The Adventures of Me

Retrospect.. Introspect.. Self Respect

2008-01-02T17:51:00.000-05:00

OK, so maybe my last post found me feeling quite satisfied with the way my life is going.

I'm not saying that I'm not.
Satisfied.

But, I'm just the kind of person who is always reaching.
Wanting to milk every precious drop
from my time here.

I learned last night that a very kindhearted and TOO YOUNG TO DIE man
has one or two weeks left to live.
It makes me wonder...
I wouldn't want a long time of suffering.
But I think I would want more than one or two weeks.

I believe it is beyond important to make sure we spend our days in such a way
that we won't be on our deathbeds saying "I wish I had..."
and this latest sad news hammers it home to me again.

No, I'm not taking back my "I am happy inside of myself" blog.
I'm just adding to it.

Now, I'm off to resolve and revive.
Peace.

2008

2007-12-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe it. 2008...

Funny - this is the time of year that by now I've spent at least a couple of weeks thinking diligently about what I want to try to focus on in the year ahead, changes I want to try to make in my life, etc.

I've not been doing much of that at all this year.

Could it be?
Could it be that I'm finally feeling comfortable inside of myself?

Sure, there are still things I want to improve..
experiences I want to try.

But, maybe... just maybe... I feel good where I am.
I know I'm not finished with myself.
But I do know that I'm headed in the right direction.

Today I spent more time thinking about what I've done in the past year
than about what I want to "fix".

That makes me smile.

However.

If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm still going to make a list or two of things I want to achieve in the coming year. =))

That's just the way I am.
It's one of my truths that I've always known about myself.

***

The past year has been one of discovery.
2006 was a year of many experiences.
2007 has been the year of discovery and recovery.
Of feeling the truths within myself and not compromising myself for anyone or anything.

So much to be grateful for in the past year.
You know who you are.
=) My white-water rafting experience.

ZP

Another photo!!

2007-09-13T15:36:00.001-04:00

Wow... I can't believe I forgot to ever post this photo! It's me with my BIRTHDAY GUITAR!!!

Another good weekend ahead!!!

2007-09-13T15:21:00.001-04:00

GriFF's birthday is coming up next week!!! What I wouldn't give to have the money to make his birthday the celebration I feel it should be...

Tomorrow we are going camping. I know we're both CRAZY excited about it. I'm going to drive down to the campground tomorrow as soon as I get out of work, get my things together, and pack the coolers. I'll be able to unpack some of our things, and set up a little study area so I can study while I wait for him to arrive. While I'll miss our drive time, I think this will work out well. We'll get a good spot, and I'll get to study outdoors. Cool!!!

Things are going fairly well. I've had some major ups and downs the past couple of weeks. But, yesterday I received a text message that gave me clarity and made my heart smile. (thank you!!!) It was a definite lift out of such a stressed-out space... 17 credit hours is a lot. And to think I was considering signing up for 20??? Anyway... my job was causing the most stress. It's uncertain how long I'll have the job. But more than that, I am just unable to accomplish everything in my shorter shifts. In the summer, I was working 5 - 7 hours a day, and was getting most things taken care of each day. Now I'm back to 3 - 4 hours a day, but still trying to handle the same workload. It's not working!!! Anyway, I've got a few solution possibilities in the works, and I'm just trying to make the best of each day.

Blah blah...

Well, off to finish more Psych homework!! Then time to clean out my car and pack for camping!!! woo hoo!!!

Wow... check this out. This is how I looked (for a few weeks, anyway!) less than 2 years ago. ha!

2007-09-13T15:06:00.001-04:00

I found a few fun little "blogthings" quizzes this afternoon, while trying to chill my brain... Found this interesting!!

What European city do you belong in:

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

And my Celtic Horoscope:

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony.
Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others.
A natural poet, you have a very active imagination.
You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance.
You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

So ready for this weekend!!!

2007-08-30T16:57:00.000-04:00

I'm at the end of my second week back in classes...

I absolutely love learning now that I'm old. =)

It's stressful, though, working and going to school. My job requires mental focus in something I really don't care about, and that needs to end. I'm looking... I called the hospital this afternoon and am supposed to follow up with them again tomorrow morning. There are some registration positions available that should fit my schedule. Wish me luck!

I'm also considering going over to Cracker Barrel and looking into either waitressing or hostessing. It would be busy, but I spoke to a girl in one of my classes and learned that they are very flexible with their employees. So, we'll see.

GriFF and I are going camping this weekend! Woo hoo! I am looking forward to it more than I can describe.

Today's mood = Strange and Uncertain

2007-08-29T18:35:00.001-04:00

So, I'm not doing so well (yet)
at trying to post nearly every day on my blog, huh???

But, I am happy to report that I DID scrap 2 pages..
the layout of 39 Things to do before I am 40.

And, maybe today is the first day that I'm going to try to blog on a nearly daily basis? One never knows.

***

Why is it that it's sometimes so hard to see the positives in things?
Is everyone else bogged down, at times,
by the things that aren't so positive?

I've heard talk of a "gratitude journal",
where people write a few things they are grateful for
every day.

Sometimes they admit that they are struggling to find 3 or 4 things to write about.
But there is always something.
Maybe this is something I need to do??

Sometimes there is enough good to truly outweigh the stresses in life.
You just have to notice it.
Maybe write about it.
That's what I'm going to do.

=)

PS - Jozzie you are NOT a bad friend. It IS still my birthday month, so you're not even late!!! =) One day I'll make it back to Chicago, and we'll have those mai tais. And pad thai. And pot stickers, or those little bun things with meat in them. Yeah, those. I forgot what they're called.

And... here's a picture, in keeping with my "39 Things"... I'm in a strange mood, so you get a mug-shot self portrait. ha!

Happy Birthday TO ME!!!

2007-08-15T20:44:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post... Photos to come later, as I'm too excited to sit here downloading and posting much!!!

Today is my 39th birthday. It got off to a FABULOUS start (hee!), but then I had to go to work. And getting my books for school didn't go as smoothly as I wanted. More on that later.

BUT... then GriFF called to tell me he was all set for me to come home and celebrate my birthday. He greeted me with a flute of champagne. We are definitely off to a great start here!

Then, the sweetest card EVER.

Then, gift # 1 - a Mexican food cookbook. YUM and one of my favorite things to do!!! OK, two of my favorites - cooking, and eating!!!

Gift # 2 - a Chinese food cookbook. Awesome... (We've perused both and have several recipes on the list to try "first" - and a few that will be placed on the *back burner* and never attempted - ha!)

Gift # 3 was this tiny little package. I unwrapped it, and it was... guitar tools???? Guitar tools???? He says "wait, what could those be for? I'll be right back."

I thought I would faint.

I definitely stopped breathing...

He listened.
He heard me.
When I said ONE TIME.. that I had always wanted a guitar and no one would ever gift me one. Oh... my... God.......

He got me a freaking Ibanez acoustic!!!

There are photos, of me holding it and grinning grandly!!! However, this is more time than I meant to spend online already. So off I go. Photos to be posted tomorrow.

Ah.... the best birthday EVER! The best birthday gift EVER. The best man EVER.

*sigh*
SMILE

...

39 Things...

2007-08-08T17:01:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I've posted to my blog... Lots to write about, but that seems overwhelming.

And...

The reason I'm here posting today is because I was motivated by Elsie’s weblog! She created a layout listing 24 things she wants to do before she turns 25. I've always been inspired by this type of list, and this is a new take. Elsie does tell everyone to make sure they include things they can actually accomplish. It's true, many of us do tend to have BIG dreams. Not a bad thing, but let's face it... It's very discouraging to set grand goals and accomplish few to none of them. The last thing I need right now is more negativity!!!

I am going to make a fabulous layout listing these things.

For me... I turn 39 next Tuesday! I could list 38 very small tasks to complete by next Tuesday, but I'd rather work on 39 things to do before I turn 40. This way, I can include a few *big* things.

So much fun!

39. Complete all pre-RN classes before Fall08, so I'm ready for the Nursing Program!
38. Submit application to the RN program before February 1, 2008.
37. Find/Buy a cheap used guitar.
36. Find the perfect sundress (for me)!
35. Finish charcoal sketch of "the shack".
34. Finish my first painting.
33. Make the Dean's List for Fall 07.
32. Make the Dean's List for Spring 08.
31. Choose 20 songs to practice with GriFF.
30. Update GriFF's existing website - in preparation for... (See # 29)
29. Create GriFF's new and improved website.
28. Learn to swim.
27. Write Tane' Ya a long letter.
26. Watch every Bears game in the coming season.
25. Buy a CUTE Bears shirt.
24. Find the perfect drink recipe utilizing Champagne.
23. Get a job at the hospital!!
22. Work with my budget every week.
21. Use my planner/calendar daily.
20. Study, study, study!
19. Continue to conquer my fear of heights.
18. Run a 5K.
17. Visit all of my friends in Chicago.
16. Contact the local Habitat for Humanity to find out when they meet.
15. Have a Reiki session with Deb Powers.
14. Design and create 20 greeting cards.
13. Create and implement an exercise (toning) plan (as soon as my foot heals!).
12. Choose 10 people who have touched my life in some way and thank them.
11. Rent a storage unit and use it for creative space.
10. Start dreaming and planning the trip I want to take when I graduate.
09. Blog on a *nearly* daily basis, with photos!
08. Look into starting a CoDA group here.
07. Perfect a frozen cocktail. Find recipes and have a blast trying them out!
06. Plan GriFF's *birthday month*.
05. Start my *inspiration journal*.
04. Meditate daily.
03. Breathe...
02. Smile...
01. Buy a hat.

Thanks for the inspiration, Elsie!!!

I love camping!!!

2007-04-29T19:05:00.000-04:00

It's been at least 4 years since my last camping trip... Until this weekend.

GriFF took me to Hidden Springs, which is a small state park less than 30 miles from Effingham. He wanted to go to a park he likes more for our first camping trip together, but because I had my last Biology lab this Saturday, he decided to pick a location that wasn't as far from the school. How thoughtful was that??? Very!!! =)

The weather was perfect!!! Friday night was a bit colder than prime, but we stayed warm with a fire late into the night, and then had 2 comforters and each other for warmth during sleep. It was all good!!!

Getting up and leaving the site by 6:30 a.m. was not my idea of a good time, but I was glad I went to labs. And we got out of class kind of early, so I was able to get back to camp by around 10:30.

We hiked, talked, and just enjoyed nature.

We learned that we are a great pair when it comes to camping. =)

I realized that this was the best camping trip I've ever been on. Not sure he fully believes me, but it was. I've only been with my family, and then with Mike. Mike would take lots of reading materials and pretty much not talk much at all. It was relaxing, but kind of like being alone for the most part. We did walk one trail, on one trip. But that was it. So, this was very enjoyable for me. Fully being on a camping trip with someone else. Loved it! Can't wait to go again. Soon!!! I think this will be a camping-filled summer.

Communication

2007-04-09T17:23:00.000-04:00

One little word
holding
such importance...

Great weekend...

Things are moving forward with GriFF.
Slowly, but quite surely.
Loving it.
Taking the sage advice of a friend
and trying to just "be"..
to breathe
and focus on the moment.

Thanks again, friend!

Definitions

2007-03-28T14:58:00.000-04:00

Today someone described me as
"the beguiling Miss Rene"!!!
Doesn't that sound just fabulous???
Beguiling.

Of course
I had to look up the definition.
I thought about it and couldn't be certain
not 100%
what it meant...

Imagine my *um* interest
when I saw this on the Webster site:

Main Entry: be·guile
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): be·guiled; be·guil·ing
transitive verb
1 : to lead by deception
2 : HOODWINK
3 : to while away especially by some agreeable occupation; also : DIVERT 2
4 : to engage the interest of by or as if by guile
intransitive verb : to deceive by wiles
synonym see DECEIVE

Oh my... Deception? Hoodwink?? Divert?

Mind you, the person who used this word
and I
have never met...
But I know enough to know that
(a) I am none of the above
(b) He wouldn't say such a thing
(c) there MUST be more to the word than that!!!

So, I did your basic Google search.
I was directed to a site called The Free Dictionary
where the definitions were these:

be·guile(b-gl)
tr.v. be·guiled, be·guil·ing, be·guiles
1. To deceive by guile; delude. See Synonyms at deceive.
2. To take away from by or as if by guile; cheat: a disease that has beguiled me of strength.
3. To distract the attention of; divert: "to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming" Abraham Lincoln.
4. To pass (time) pleasantly.
5. To amuse or charm; delight. See Synonyms at charm.

Ahhh... Much better!!!
Amusing, charming, delightful.
These are words I like!

Is it really???

2007-03-28T01:52:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's almost 1am. Yours truly has to be up by 6 at the ABSOLUTE latest, and at work by 6:30. Have I lost my mind?

Ha. Guess you do have to have a mind in order to lose one... *ha*

I spent the evening at my parents'
working on laundry
and trying to get things organized.
Also spent quite a bit of time online.

One thing I wanted to accomplish was inspired by Theresa's blog...
She talked about her NY Resolutions and checked her status on each one.

I realized that I barely remember my own intentions.
Did I blog them?
Maybe I saved them as a Word doc?
I want to find them.

Or, do I just want to start from today
with current intentions?
Surely some of them would be the same.
But there could very well be new ones.

Something about my health...
Need to be specific.
Gear it toward working out
and the way I eat.

Something about my mind...
But with school
maybe I shouldn't add something
just focus on my studies until May 6th.

Finances
Eww...
But I have to go there.
I'll think about that one tomorrow. =)

Creativity
I'll set some goals
for summer.
Things like
a photo a day
creating cards
need a specific goal for that
2 new designs per week?
My art...
hmmmm...
Will be doing some sketching
when GriFF and I are camping...
But I need to set goals.

Well, I've got the groundwork started.
More thinking on this tomorrow!
Or would that be later today...
It is tomorrow already!!!

Speaking of art...
I entered my first art show this past weekend.
No awards, but it was still a good experience.
Here are my submissions.
Pardon the cheap WalMart frames...
The judge even said in his speech
that there were some really good pieces that
were in some horribly cheap frames.
He said he refused to consider those for awards
because if you put your work in a cheap frame,
it tells him you aren't proud of your art.
You don't care.
No,
what it tells you
you arrogant, ignorant prick...
Is that some of us can't afford a $85+ frame.

Mine are the black and white (charcoal) pieces in the CHEAP WalMart frames... Enjoy!

Current mood... whimsical!

2007-03-27T19:04:00.000-04:00

OK, not fully whimsical, but there are a couple of parts of the Webster definition that can definitely describe my current state of mind:

"lightly fanciful"

and

"subject to unpredictable change".

And, I'm gonna let you in on a secret... I am so very much in LOVE, absolute LOVE, with this man:

(That's us at a 3/17/07 gathering of friends!)

And I haven't told him yet.

But he's gotta feel it... gotta realize it.

I feel it... I realize it...

YUM!!!

2007-03-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

Do you ever notice how sometimes it's possible to be alone, yet not feel lonely..
and at times, to be surrounded by people and feel so isolated and forlorn?

Such a sad feeling, the one of feeling lonely.

But is it a necessary place?
One where we are able to hear ourselves think?

I've been alone.
I've been lonely.

I think that sometimes the lonely feeling comes
when you are hoping for something that doesn't come to pass.
It begins with disappointment
with the loss of hope
and becomes loneliness.

Webster's defines lonely as:
1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation.

Some words/phrases that jump out at me - solitary, cut off, desolation.

How does one take these feelings and turn them into something less bleak? Perhaps by focusing on something else.. something important and vital to achieving our dreams and life goals? Perhaps.

So on what should I focus? Well, major goal - to earn my ADN and work in a hospital as an RN. My preference, without having experienced the different areas of nursing, is to work in pediatric oncology. At this moment, I am working toward that goal. I am halfway through my first semester in college.

I must keep in mind that my focus should be on the things that I can control. Things that do not involve another person. I remember having discussions with one of my sweetest, smartest friends. She has assured me more than once that I must focus on me, I must be, and I must enjoy everything else as "gravy". So true. It's when I start to look at the "gravy" as being the full meat and potatoes that I get sidetracked and begin to lose my way. I must remain focused on MY goals. And I will.

OK, enough of the self analyzing for tonight. I had a WONDERFUL weekend. Met a friend of Griff's, Don, who was down visiting from Chicago. It was nice to talk a little bit about the city, and it was great to meet this guy. He is supposed to email Griff some photos from the weekend, so if they make it to me, I'll try to remember to post one or two on my blog.

A group of friends gathered Saturday for a bonfire. I contributed an Irish Cream cheesecake, and an appetizer of baked brie in puff pastry (with an apple/cinnamon topping baked inside). It was a great time with a lot of laughter.

Griff and I enjoyed the entire weekend. Sunday afternoon became a bit more dreary as Don headed back to Chicago and we realized the fun weekend was over and making way for another week of working doldrums. *smile* But we enjoyed one another's company immensely. I love this man. I wonder if/when I'll find it possible to tell him. =) Sometimes I think I should just let it all out there; just tell him how I feel and what I'm thinking. I did that on a smaller scale several weeks ago. And it moved things alone a little bit further. But there are a lot of things that seem difficult for him to overcome in order to advance. I know I'm setting myself up for a possible heartbreak, but then I also remember one of my favorite quotes - "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Hmmm, I was Googling that to see who deserves the credit for that one, and there seems to be some dueling info out there. Hmmmm! Well, for now let's just say that it's a great quote. =)

OK, I'm very tired and obviously feeling pretty emotional! So, I'll hush for now before I regret this posting!

Sweet dreams to all...

Twos for Tuesday

2007-03-20T18:28:00.000-04:00

Two Names You Go By
1. Rene
2. Nay

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. My favorite jeans (that are starting to get a bit too tight!)
2. a shirt that I didn't realize is ripped until I put it on.

Two Things You Have in a Relationship:
1. laughter
2. thoughtfulness

Two of Your Favorite Things to Do
1. cook
2. eat

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment
1. some new art supplies
2. something I shouldn't put into words

Two Pets You Had
1. Angus (my cat who passed away in December)
2. Caleb (my dog who lives up in Chicago)

Two People Who Will Fill This Out
1. Joz?
2. not a clue

Two Things You Did Last Night
1. watched silly/funny/favorite tv shows with GriFF
2. ate a yummy dinner and drank red wine

Two Things You Ate Today
1. pineapple
2. strawberries

Two People You Last Talked To
1. my brother
2. my dad

Two Favorite Places
1. outside
2. Cragenmore

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow
1. going to Nutrition class
2. going to GriFF's

Two Longest Car Rides
1. Chicago to Lexington, SC
2. Lexington, SC to Effingham, IL

Two Favorite Holidays
1. my birthday
2. Thanksgiving (love the food choices and the "thank" part)

Two Guilty Pleasures
1. long, hot bubble baths
2. sangria, margaritas, dry red wine...

Two Things that Make Me Laugh
1. GriFF's Kermit impression
2. dark humor

Two Things I Last Got in the Mail
1. a pre-approval for a credit card (who are they kidding???)
2. A nice reminder from the IRS that I owe them money.

Hmmm...

2007-03-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

I got my Franklin-Covey planner yesterday!!!
It's been months since I've had one...
I tried using a "regular" calendar for the past couple of months
but it just wasn't cutting it for me.
Now I'm working on getting myself more organized.
Goodness knows I need it -
there's quite a bit going on these days
that I seriously need to remember.
It will also help me plan and work toward other goals.
Very cool.

We had another test in my Nutrition class tonight.
I think I did ok on it.
Will know for sure next week!

Work is good...
I'm learning more every day.
I now know that the front of a semi is called a "tractor".
I knew that the back was a "trailer",
but didn't realize the front part had a name!
And, today I learned
that the two front tires on a semi tractor
are called "steers".
The six at the back are called "drivers".
And the ones on the trailer are all called "trailer tires".

A guy came in yesterday and told me he needed two steers.
I nearly told him we don't sell livestock.
Glad I didn't.
I went to get one of the Asst. Managers and told him a guy wanted steers.
I said "what is that?"
He just laughed at me.
So today I asked Tammy what they are.
Then we had a little lesson in how I can
(supposedly) tell the tires apart just by seeing them on the showroom floor.

I know that steers and trailer tires look similar.
You can put steers on a trailer,
but you should not put trailers on a steer position.
And drivers have "lugs" in the tread design.
Hee!
I can't believe I know this stuff...

I've not blogged in a while, so I've got some catching up to do.
Last weekend with GriFF was wonderful...
Friday night he took me out for a very nice dinner.
At The Firefly Grill.
Yum.
It reminded me of Chicago...
*sniff*
I had crabcakes.
GriFF had seared filet of beef with oyster mushrooms.
We each had salads and spaghetti squash for sides.
Shared a bottle of DaVinci Chianti. Delish..
For dessert I had a trio of sorbets (strawberry, peach, and blood orange)
GriFF had a Cafe de Cuba.
I don't like coffee, but I gave it a sip.
It was warm, yummy, and rummy.
Mmmmmm...

It was sweet.
I kept the cork from our wine bottle.
He kept telling me how pretty I looked.
I kept giggling.

Saturday morning we went to the gym.
We both had a good workout,
and then we headed back to his place
to clean up.

We drove to Terre Haute,
ate at the Olive Garden,
looked for tents at Gander Mountain,
and went to see an art exhibit.
GriFF's friend John Ferguson
had a photo in the exhibit.
I think we weren't supposed
to be able to get in.
Only one door was unlocked
and there was a cleaning lady inside.
We hurried upstairs to look around
in case she'd tell us we had to leave.
But she didn't.
When she saw us
she just said "I didn't know anyone was here!"
We were a little disappointed.
Wanted to be "caught"
where we weren't supposed to be.
ha!

We ended up taking a nap
as soon as we got back home.
Then we stayed up until after 2a.m.
Which was really 3a.m.
(welcome to daylight savings time!)

Sunday I was not feeling well
at all.
By evening, I was exhausted,
coughing,
and miserable.
GriFF made dinner,
ran me a hot bath,
and put a candle on the tub ledge.
He was so sweet.
He went to WalMart to get some
Alka-Seltzer Cough.
Ick!
But it did make me feel better.
For a bit.
The bath was fabulous.
I nearly fell asleep in there!
But the best part of all
was how much he cared.

But...

2007-03-08T00:02:00.000-05:00

Evan's coming back tomorrow...
Yeah, this little guy.

And he's going to be here for 10 days.

Everyone here at the house
is beyond excited.

Rollercoasters

2007-03-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

So
what is it about life
that makes it almost inevitable
that when you start to feel
like something is starting
to become clear
that you've reach a point
of a breakthrough
that you're whipped around a corner
and left with the question
"where the hell am I going???".

So much like a rollercoaster.
You're moving with the hills and the turns
and it seems like it's over
you're going to see the end
but then you're jerked around
on a hairpin turn
and there are more hills and turns
before you really
reach the station.

This feels like
a rollercoaster ride
that may go on
a bit too long.
You know the ones that
are so exciting
and make you laugh and scream
but at some point
you want to yell
"make it stop!
I wanna get off!"

Yeah.
That kind.

*Peace*

A better evening, with some qualifications

2007-03-01T19:53:00.000-05:00

Since my last post, things are a bit brighter...
I did a leg workout at the gym.
(Qualification - I wasn't in the mood and didn't get into "the zone", but it still felt good and I feel like I accomplished something.)
I saw GriFF at the gym.
(Qualification - it's such a teaser to see someone special somewhere like the gym. You don't get to really talk to them, and you're left wanting... I guess that's good, though???)
I got a few things from my "to do" list taken care of.

My current living situation is a bit difficult at times. My parents were gracious enough to let me return to the old homestead last fall. I've enrolled in college and am working toward an Associates in Nursing, as an RN. My old room has been an office for several years now. In addition, my brother and my nephew are also living here. So, alone time is pretty much non-existent. As is personal space. But again, they were very gracious to give me a place to hang my hat...

Anyway, tonight we're all sitting here in the living room. They are all watching a movie that appears to be from the 70s and seems to be of the spy variety... I've completed some English Comp homework and am wishing I were now somewhere by myself. I'm feeling the need to be creative. Hmmm...

Well, time to peruse some of my favorite blogs. Here's to a good night's sleep!!!

Bad days...

2007-03-01T14:19:00.000-05:00

What is it with certain days?
The ones where you just shouldn't have gotten out of bed...

Work was complete hell this morning.
Mind you, my boss has been a very close friend of mine since we were 5 years old.
But today she's PMSing...
Definitely.
And things haven't been going that well for her lately at work.
Today was the day to process the month end reports,
"margins", she calls them.
There were problems...
Some stuff that we definitely could've caught earlier on.
Some stuff that I just don't understand yet, so I didn't do everything correctly.
Which I hate!!!
*hee*

Then, a truck driver comes in and asks to speak to Tammy (that's my boss).
He seemed normal and in a good mood.
Then he prefaces his conversation with
"I don't want this to sound rude..."
OK, guess what... that means you're planning on being rude!!!
And boy was he!!!
He wouldn't let her get a word in.
He had some bad repairs done at a truck stop in another state.
The repairs were bad, so they told him to go to the nearest location.
Guess where that is - yep, our location...
So, last night he came in.
Mind you, the original location found out we didn't have what was needed to make full repairs... but they sent him anyway???
So, when he arrived at our location last night and was told we couldn't do full repairs, he was FURIOUS.
But, he saved his fury for Tammy.
He kept asking her what was going to be done.
She told him we had done our best.
He kept yelling at her to "stop talking about the past!"
So, she asked him what he would like us to do.
He had no answer.
He was going back and forth between sounding normal and completely INSANE...
I was about to stand up and tell him he needed to exit the premises.
But I knew it would've been bad customer service...
But oh my.
Nuts, I tell you, completely nuts.

He finally left, after telling Tammy that she is incompetent,
the worst manager he's ever seen,
and that she has no idea what is going on in her own shop.

So, none of that was very helpful...

I feel badly for her...

And then the margins were just NOT coming together.

I felt partially responsible...

So I stayed to help.

Which made me run late.

I forgot I needed to get gas.

And I needed to stop at home to get my books.

My class is 35 minutes away. I had 15 minutes to get all of that done and get to class.

So, I'm missing out on the review for our final exam.

It'll be fine. But it's not the way I wanted things to go. *sigh*

Oh well. So many people have things so much worse than I.
Not to mention, I've had things worse than this!!!

So, I figure I should end this with something that makes me smile.
A picture of my nephew, Evan...
Enjoy...

2007-02-27T14:23:00.000-05:00

Isn't it crazy how quickly time passes???

I really enjoyed my alone time at GriFF's on Friday... It got off to a rocky start, though! First, I found out that my bank had charged me $132 in overdraft charges because there was a pending charge on my account. So, even though it hadn't cleared, it was making 4 other very small withdrawals generate NSF fees of $33 each!!! What??? Long story short, I finally heard back from one of the bank officers who said he would credit me back $125. Then I made him explain to me how their system works so I can "avoid this in the future. Never mind that I'm really going to avoid it by changing banks... =)

Anyway, that aside, I took a nice, long bath, and got a few things organized. And I did some charcoal sketching!!! It's not nearly done, and I've left it at GriFF's, so I can't take a picture to post today (thanks for being interested, Cheryl!!!).

Here's a fun new thing I learned about on Cheryl's blog today... AFI has listed the Top 100 Movies of all time. The idea is to highlight the ones you've seen. Here's mine!!! I'm putting the ones I have seen in italics, since Jozzie hasn't taught me how to change font colors yet... =)

1. CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2. CASABLANCA (1942)
3. THE GODFATHER (1972)
4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)
7. THE GRADUATE (1967)
8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9. SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
10. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
11. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)
13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957)
14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15. STAR WARS (1977)
16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)
18. PSYCHO (1960)
19. CHINATOWN (1974)
20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)
21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)
22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)
24. RAGING BULL (1980)
25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)
27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)
31. ANNIE HALL (1977)
32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
33. HIGH NOON (1952)
34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)
38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)
40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
42. REAR WINDOW (1954)
43. KING KONG (1933)
44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)
45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)
46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)
47. TAXI DRIVER (1976)
48. JAWS (1975)
49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)
51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)
52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)
53. AMADEUS (1984)
54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)
55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)
56. M*A*S*H (1970)
57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)
58. FANTASIA (1940)
59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)
60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
61. VERTIGO (1958)
62. TOOTSIE (1982)
63. STAGECOACH (1939)
64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)
65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)
66. NETWORK (1976)
67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)
69. SHANE (1953)
70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971)
71. FORREST GUMP (1994)
72. BEN-HUR (1959)
73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)
74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)
75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)
76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)
77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
78. ROCKY (1976)
79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)
80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)
81. MODERN TIMES (1936)
82. GIANT (1956)
83. PLATOON (1986)
84. FARGO (1996)
85. DUCK SOUP (1933)
86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)
87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)
88. EASY RIDER (1969)
89. PATTON (1970)
90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)
91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)
92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
93. THE APARTMENT (1960)
94. GOODFELLAS (1990)
95. PULP FICTION (1994)
96. THE SEARCHERS (1956)
97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
98. UNFORGIVEN (1992)
99. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)
100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

Wow, that was fun... And look how many movies I need to see!!! (Time to log on to NetFlix and update my queue!!!) How about you???

2007-02-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

The sun is shining today,
making me long for temperatures to match!
(Shining temperatures???)
I'm thinking about bundling up and washing my truck.
It's caked with salt residue
and lots of random dirt. =)

I'm taking it pretty easy this afternoon.
Trying to get over this cold/virus
and enjoying the fact that there are no classes today
due to some form of "teacher's institute" at Lake Land.

I got a chance to read a few of my favorite blogs
(Jozzie - you're slipping!!! BLOG something!!!! ha!)
and was inspired by Cheryl to list 5 things I'm looking forward to this week.

Of course, being me, I immediately worry about what qualifies as a "week" for this. Do I want to just say 5 things that will happen by Saturday,
because that's what I consider the end of a "calendar" week,
and would be *clean*???
Or do I start with today and go 7 days out???
Hmmm...
Wouldn't you love to have a brain like mine? I'm sure not...
Anyway, we'll just see how it plays out as I start listing 5 things!

1 - GriFF offered to let me use his place as a retreat tomorrow afternoon... Ah, the joy of it! A view of the woods and the lake, which can be seen from both the deck AND the garden tub, in which I will surely soak myself in hot, bubbly water as I sip a glass or two of wine... and just some PRIVACY, which is something I don't get to experience much at all these days... Have you ever heard of anything more thoughtful? I'm definitely melting.

2 - No school today or tomorrow. After having two tests yesterday, I assure you that this is most welcomed. I'm enjoying being back in school after all of these years. I swear - if anyone who is reading this has ever considered going back to college, but worries that it's too late, "I'm too old", etc. This is the best time to be in school!!! I actually pay attention in class. No daydreaming!!! And it's amazing what the brain retains when you really listen and are interested in what the professor is saying.

3 - My sense of taste is returning, which is something I'm SO looking forward to having back fully. This cold/virus has kept me from enjoying any food or drink for the past 2 days. And, I am NOT a person who eats for fuel... But I could seriously chew on a piece of cardboard right now, and be able to convince myself it's pizza. So, I'm looking forward to a good meal as soon as I have fully-functioning tastebuds!

4 - Being creative. I plan to do some sketching and charcoal work tomorrow while I'm *retreating* (see #1). The environment you are in is a great influence on your ability to create, and I'm looking forward to experiencing the flow tomorrow!!

5 - 50 degrees!!! As far as I know, we are still expecting a high in the 50's on Saturday. (I'm in south-central Illinois, and 50 degrees in February is WARM.)

Well, there you have it!
What a great exercise in joy... I have a lot to look forward to in just a few short days! =) Thanks for the idea, Cheryl!!!

Nerds with style...

2007-02-21T16:10:00.000-05:00

Today Jozzie is trying to teach me how to put cool links into my blog postings... She's trying to convince me that it is possible that she is beautiful AND a nerd... Hmmm. Let's give this a try. Click here to visit Jozzie's own online business site! (If you ever see a picture of her you'll see why I doubted she could be a true nerd.)

What Color are You?

2007-02-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

I've been perusing creative blogs today, and have been inspired by many...

One I visited pointed me to the site www.thecolorcode.com. If you're up to it, go see what personality color you are! I am white...

WHITES are motivated by PEACE. They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. To them, feeling good is more important than being good. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, WHITES are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. WHITES are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, unexpressive, and silently stubborn. When others interact with you, as a WHITE you respond to them best if they are kind, accepting and supporting of your individuality, and if they look for non-verbal clues to understand your feelings.

Understand that no two WHITES are exactly alike. Although you share the same core motivation as many others, your personality is still unique to you alone.

What color are you???

Hope

2007-02-20T19:11:00.000-05:00

Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, 'What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.' Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.

- Vincent Van Gogh

What to do...

2007-02-14T17:10:00.000-05:00

Oh my...
You know how sometimes you think you've made a good decision?
But then you start to question yourself?

This may seem silly to some people,
But it's really bothering me.

I'm so busy right now.
Working 32 hours per week,
And maintaining an A average with a full-time class load.
And spending time with my family.
And the love of my life...
=)
that makes me smile.

I know I'm in the "right" place in my life right now.
Working toward my goals.
Making a difference in my lifetime.

Additionally, anyone who knows me well
knows that I have a LOT of trouble with choosing just one thing to do.
I have a lot of interests.
Most of them are related to creativity in some way.

So, I decided it was time to pack up my scrapbooking supplies
and store them away.
I'm living in a corner of my old bedroom,
which was turned into an office for my parents years ago.
So I have very little room for even my clothes.
The scrapbook supplies were just sitting there, taking up a LOT of room that could've been used for school supplies and books.

Packed up one tote.
Started on another.

But then a few days ago,
I was inspired by a site called
{imagine this!}
"Inspire Me, Jozzie!"
She's a very dear friend of mine.
I've not been checking out her blog as often as I used to
with everything going on in my life.
Her blog made me want to get back into my papers and inks...
Reminded me that I've been wanting to take an old book
and paint in it, add pictures and embellishments,
and write in my favorite quotes...

ARGH!!!

Oh, the perils of this life of mine...
Too many wonderful things to do,
and so little time.

What do I do????

For granted

2007-02-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

I guess we don't realize what all we take for granted in life.

I was reminded of this several times in the past few days alone...

I want to buy oil paints for a Valentine's gift.
There is nowhere in this town to buy such an "extravagance"...

I want to look at Franklin/Covey planners and see about getting myself one again.
There is nowhere in this town (or even within an hour) to even SEE them.

I was looking for chai tea this weekend. Not necessarily a particular brand, but I was looking for the kind that is creamy and more like what you get at a coffee shop. I already had some tea bags that make a basic spiced tea. I went to 4 stores before I could find what I was looking for. In fact, the first three didn't even have the tea bag type...

I grew up here, in this very small town. And I've been back for more than 4 months now. But I'm still amazed when I can't just go and get *anything* on a whim!

So all of this makes me think of other *things* that we may take for granted... health, friends, having a job, a roof over our heads...

Especially in this winter storm, consider those who don't have a warm place to sleep...

I'm thankful for so much.

my hair

2007-02-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

is red again!

I am a work of art...

2007-02-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

You Are Best Described By...

The Starry Night

by Vincent van Gogh

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

Hmmmm....

2007-02-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling...
wistful?
I think that's the word I want.
What does it mean???

1: full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy; also : inspiring such yearning
2 : musingly sad : PENSIVE

(Thank you www.webster.com)

Oh yeah, that's it...
the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling.

It's snowing here. A crazy, blinding winter storm... It's beautiful, but crippling.

I'm at my parents' house this evening. It's been a little while since I've spent a full evening here. With my job, classes, and spending time with GriFF, my time has been quite occupied. And that's all good!!!

We've got the 2nd Pirates of the Caribbean movie on. I've seen the first half before, so I'm not very interested in watching right now. These movies are cute/cool, but I have to be in a certain type of mood to care to watch them...

Caribbean... How do you pronounce it??? Care-uh-bee'-un? Car-ibb'-ee-un? Funny how there doesn't seem that there's one proper way... Oh, perhaps I should again consult www.webster.com. Not right now, though...

Why am I feeling wistful?

Hmmmm...

I miss some of my friends. Wish I could see them.

I'm missing my GriFF time tonight. =) I know, I know... I just saw him this morning. It's just, well, I LIKE being around him!!!

I'm anxious to get through my basic classes and get into the "meat" of my studies. It's good, though, to go through these basic courses first. I'm getting my feet wet before I have to take the really important stuff.

And there are more things that are on my mind, making me wistful. But enough of that!!!

How are YOU feeling right now???

Just Another Day....

2007-02-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

Today has been a good day, actually.

I awoke in a good place, warm and well rested.

It's so cold outside that going to work wasn't overly pleasant, but I survived! And work itself was good! I learned a lot more today, and things are REALLY starting to click. Now I am understanding the "why" behind some of the things I've been doing for the past two weeks. My boss (who has been a great friend of mine since we were 5!) is good at training. Sometimes we aren't quite speaking the same language, but that's ok. =) The good thing is that she paces everything so I don't feel overwhelmed. When I start to get a few things down, she shows me a few more things. All good!!! =) I am so lucky and pleased to have this job.

There are a few things I really need to take care of. One I will mention here is that I seriously need to make an appointment with a counselor at the college. I need to make sure my revised plan of action is going to work. =)

I've missed blogging!!! But right now I feel like I have nothing interesting to say!!! =)

Catching up...

2007-02-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've gone so long without posting.
shame...

My last post, back in November,
makes me smile.

I'm still experiencing
that white-water rafting discovery. =)

I'm still living in Effingham
in the house we moved into
when I was 4 years old.
Wow.

I started taking classes in January,
working toward an ADN.
I did learn that I didn't qualify for the
fall 2007 nursing program...
So I refocused, regrouped,
and I continue.
I'll qualify for fall 2008.
Yes, a stumble in my plans.
But, only a stumble.

I'm taking Chemistry
Nutrition
English Comp
and Biology.

I love my Chemistry class.

Just took the mid-term
(it's an 8-week, fast-paced course)
and got a 98.3% on it!!!
That feels FABULOUS!!

Nutrition is good.
A lot of teamwork required.
And most of the people in the class
could be my children.
Literally...
=)

English Comp is an online class.
We have to post to an online board
at least 3 times a week,
discussing an assigned essay.
First was a section of
Thoreau's Walden.
Yummy.
Next came Shooting an Elephant,
a George Orwell piece.
I didn't much enjoy that one.
But discussing on the boards is fun.

Biology is also online,
with labs meeting one Saturday per month
for five hours.
Wow.

Tonight was Superbowl 41 (XLI).
It wasn't that fun for me.
Both of my favorite teams were playing.
It's too hard when you can't
truly root for one
of the teams!!!
Colts won. Cool!
But that means the Bears lost.
Not cool...
Well, I had my excitement 2 weeks ago,
I suppose.
When I learned that they both made it!
=)
That was awesome.

I started a new job just over a week ago.
The timing was perfect.
I had gone down to part-time hours
at my previous job.
I didn't like that job, anyway.
So, they asked me if I could
work part-time until they hired someone else.
I said I would.
Then I learned that they
had found someone.
But I heard it through the grapevine.
I know they work that way,
but I was still surprised.
They were going to just keep me
until the last day they needed me,
and then let me know.
So, I learned of an available job
that is perfect for me.
It's a bookkeeping job.
At a truck stop!
In the Lube Shop!
Love it...
The manager was my best friend in kindergarden.
Tammy... xo
We were talking the other day
about how even though we've lost touch
from time to time,
we always get back in contact
and it seems like we never lost touch at all.
Those are true friendships.
=)

Anyway, the job is very flexible.
As long as I have the deposit ready for pickup
by 8:30 a.m. Monday through Thursday,
and by 7:30 a.m. on Friday,
all is well...

How cool is that?
This is a job that I can have
throughout my schooling...
I can adjust my work schedule
to fit my school schedule
every semester. =)

Oh...
the white-water rafting.
His name is Steve.
=)

Happiness

2006-11-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

I've made a discovery that has me "white-water rafting" excited...

me

2006-10-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today I feel Stronger.
Wiser.
and more Brave.

I feel like I'm more in control of my feelings
than I have been in a while.
Not than I've ever been. =)

But still.

It feels good.

Wow...

2006-10-16T21:05:00.000-04:00

It's a day for multiple posts!

You know how there are just those rare, few, extraordinary people who enter your life and you can't imagine that they weren't always there??? Thank heaven for those rare gems. You know who you are... =)

Anyway, the most dazzling of those gems reminded me of a little Dr. Seuss tidbit she's shared with me before. I nearly lost my mind trying to remember it. And googlelicious!!! Here it is:

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

-Dr. Seuss

thanks, doll...

2006-10-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

This is today's quote from ThinkExist. I have to post it into my blog so it won't go away when tomorrow's quote arrives!!!

"I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined,
and that we can do nothing to change it,
look before they cross the road."

-Stephen Hawking

Stop the world

2006-10-16T20:19:00.000-04:00

and let me off...

Isn't it crazy how sometimes life just feels like an out-of-control merry-go-round??? {insert insane circus clown music here to get an idea of what I'm feeling}

Day three at the new job went well. I spent the entire day sitting with the most senior rep. Mind you, she may very well be the youngest, but she's been at the job for 8 years ("7 years too long", she says!). She's definitely got it together with the ins and outs of the job. And she's quite enjoyable. She laughed with me when I made my first attempts to enter an order into the system. And made me feel quite welcomed and comfortable all day. She's the first to admit that she's not an expert trainer. But I tend to learn a lot just from observing an expert at work. But... I learned this afternoon that the person who was leaving, the person I'm supposed to be replacing, has decided to accept the company's counter-offer and is continuing with her employment there. Which means that a temp is going to be dropped. Now, you'd figure that it would be me, since I've only been training for 3 days. The other two temps have been there for about 8 months each. That's a lot of wasted training time to let one of them go, right?

Wrong! I guess they will releasing one of the other ladies. I feel absolutely horrible for her. If she's really so bad, why didn't they get another temp sooner to replace her? Oh well. Another one of those "not my issue" situations, right? Still, I don't have the best feeling about it. I completely understand accepting a counter-offer and staying where you're comfortable. But the thing is, this lady does not seem comfortable. She seems miserable!!! I have to say, I was looking forward to next week and not having the angry tension in the air. Oh well! =) Again, not really my issue. I'm there, I'm learning, I'm enjoying, and I'm going to be getting a paycheck! Now, THAT is my issue. =)

Anyway, with that and all of the adventures of the past few days (shoe shopping, missing my comfy shoes, etc!), I really feel like I've been at the carnival all day. I'm tired, I'm dizzy, and I wanna go home.

I Need Shoes!

2006-10-15T18:22:00.000-04:00

I know, I know... You're thinking, "she really should be saying she WANTS shoes." Which, ok, that's true, also. But I do actually NEED a pair of brown shoes!

I actually got a job last week! Started work on Thursday, and worked for two whole days... I'll get my first paycheck this coming Friday, and it will only be for two days of work. But it's more than I've made in months, so this is exciting! And right now, I'm employed through a temp agency. So I'll get paid weekly until they hire me on as an actual employee. The job isn't bad at all. The wages are great for this area, but suck according to Chicago standards. No exaggeration... But, I'm lucky to have gotten this job! Anyway, the one thing that is really weird about the place (so far!) is the dress code. My shoes have to be completely closed in. No open toes, no sling-backs, and DEFINITELY no sandals. Oh my goodness. Of course I wore sandals (strappy, high-heeled wedges) on my first day. So, I have one pair of black shoes that I can wear with pants. And I only have 2 pair of pants that will be ok with black shoes. So this week is going to be interesting! I guess I'll just have to rotate the pants every other day and hope no one figures it out. =)

So, you see, I actually do NEED shoes. When I was going through my various stages of moving this past year, I got rid of a few pairs of shoes. I've never been an Imelda Marcos. Believe me, I could've been. But I like a lot of different things, and shoes were never in the top 3 on my list. When it came down to moving and needing to dramatically decrease the number of my possessions, some of the shoes that were in fine shape were passed along. And now I realize I could have used at least one of those pairs of shoes! Oh well.

On another note... why do we, as humans, tend to take for granted the things we have in our lives? Why do we fail to acknowledge and appreciate those things until they are gone? (ha! I just realized it's gonna sound as though I'm still talking about my shoes...)

Breakfast

2006-09-30T10:12:00.000-04:00

Today's Jozzie Blog Challenge is to blog about our favorite breakfast food.

This is always a tough one for me. I have to pick one??? My preference then would be a huge buffet with at least 100 choices - the kind where you have to go in wearing something with an elastic waistband!!!

This morning my dad made pancakes for us. Actually, the recipe he used called them griddlecakes. They were so yummy. And of course he made a Mickey Mouse shaped one for Evan. =)

Mastication

2006-09-29T21:47:00.000-04:00

What a word that is. Masticate... Today's blog challenge by Jozzie (on STM) is to blog about "you are what you eat" so what would you be. At first I thought about posting a photo of a pig. Right now I am stuffed beyond words. But it's not as bad as you think. I was trying to donate platelets and packed red blood cells this morning, so I drank more liquid than you can imagine for the first 4 waking hours of my day. They told me it would help. I've also been slamming iron supplements with OJ (iron needs natural Vitamin C to be able to absorb into your body), ate Cream of Wheat (fortified to be high in iron), and raisins. But again, my iron count was below acceptable. =( One point. Anyway. Trying again Monday!

So that's why I feel like a pig. Plus, I do eat quite a bit of pork! =)

But, the thing I've been really downing lately, requires the mention here.

That's right. I'm a Smartie. Take it as you wish! =)

My Daddy...

2006-09-25T22:29:00.000-04:00

Today's blog challenge by Jozzie is entitled "Who's Your Daddy?". She challenged us to write about the man in our lives and said if there isn't a special someone, to blog about another important male in our lives.

Well, I've been unlucky in love... So, my "daddy" is literally my Daddy!!!

My dad has always been there for me. I was an only child until I was 8 years old. I was disciplined, but also spoiled. My dad wanted to give me everything he could and I think he probably hoped I'd be a boy. I've never been made to feel like I wasn't the right gender, BUT, I was the only girl I knew who had a full-size model train set, a race car track, and a motorized electric car in 1972... At the same time, I had every Barbie I could ever want. And my dad built me Barbie furniture to match my own bedroom - painted with the same paint and all. (My mom sewed the bedspread and canopy for the bed.)

But more than the material, my dad has always supported me. This was never more obvious to me than the past couple of months. I was trying to make a tough decision of whether or not to move to South Carolina. I kept this secret from most people because I didn't want any influence from people who I felt might pressure me with their own opinions. The very few people I told were those who would just listen to my thoughts, present a few points that I might not have considered, and support me when I made the decision ON MY OWN. My dad was one of those people. At the same time, he made sure that I knew that if I needed more time before moving I could stay with them. And once I moved and felt like it wasn't the right place for me, he talked to me whenever I needed to talk, and let me know that I was more than welcome to come home and stay with them as long as I needed.

I know my dad doesn't agree with all of my choices. But I also know that he will always be there for me. And that's what's important.

BUT... as much as I love my dad, I will admit right here and now that I would love to have a chosen "Daddy" to blog about!!! =)

Seasons

2006-09-21T14:47:00.000-04:00

Today's challenge is to blog about our favorite season...

There are wonderful things about each season. Fall makes me smile because of the leaves changing, bonfires, football, soups and stews, harvest, and pumpkins. Winter is bitter and sometimes hard to love but I LOVE running during the first evening snow. So peaceful... Spring brings new life, colors, and the promise of summer. Which brings me to summer... My favorite season of the 4. I love the warmth of the sun. I'd much rather be hot than cold!!! Fresh summer fruits, fresh veggies from the garden, being on the lake, in a pool, sitting outside on a warm, breezy summer night. Absolutely fabulous.

About me...

2006-09-16T18:43:00.000-04:00

Today's Jozzie blog challenge on STM is to "Define YOU".

Me.
Good question!
I'm happy
friendly
funny
crazy
creative
open
innovative
strong
loving
stubborn
flexible (in mind and soul, NOT in body!).

But sometimes I'm
uncertain,
full of questions,
afraid.

But you know what?
That's ok!

A guru of mine once told me that the unknown is, ok, I forget her word, but along the lines of stimulating, exhilarating, exciting! I sometimes have trouble believing that, but I know she's right... =)

All I know for sure is that right now,
in this moment,
I'm happy,
I'm free,
and I'm looking forward to the rest of my life.

tfl.

Strange days...

2006-09-13T23:53:00.000-04:00

This past week has been so strange for me!!! Tomorrow will be a complete 7 days that Kevin and Lisa have been gone and I've been here alone. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I've ever felt so alone. It's not a bad thing. (I could almost hear a chorus of "awww" after I typed that!) It's just weird. Different.

Four more days until Kevin and Lisa return! It's going to be here before I know it! I've got a stack of books I'd like to finish, a couple of movies to watch, and a few things left to take care of with my packing! I've packed away my stamping and scrapbooking supplies. So no more of that until I get back home.

Tonight I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee". What a great, inspiring movie. There was a quote in the movie that I loved. I knew I had heard it before, but wasn't sure where it was from. So, thanks to Google, I learned that it comes from one of Marianne Williamson's books. I also learned that the quote was incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela. Just a fun bit of trivia. Here's that quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" - Marianne Williamson

I like that, a lot. It gives you strength when you read it, doesn't it?

I've been feeling some fear lately. Fear about moving back to Effingham. I had a nice conversation with a special person that had me asking myself a lot of questions about the choices I've made in the past couple of years. It led me to ask a lot of "what ifs". Previously, I would have said that "what ifs" are never good. But now I don't agree with that idea. Asking myself "what if I had done this or that instead?" has taught me some things I don't want to do in the future. I am learning from my mistakes. Actually, I'd rather call them missteps. I am learning from my missteps! =)

I am excited about my life, my future! I don't know what it holds. But I know my goals and my dreams. And I know that I am going to enjoy the journey, and I'm going to BE!

I Remember...

2006-09-11T11:16:00.000-04:00

I remember this day five years ago.

I was at work.
The first thing we heard was that an airplane
(the news reports weren't certain
what kind of airplane it was yet)
had crashed into one of the skyscrapers
in NYC.

I felt such sadness.
But I had no idea.
No idea how big this was.
How much it was going to change
the world
life
me.

Then the news came in of the second plane
crashing into the other tower...
Then the reports of terrorism.

I don't remember the order of events after that.
The plane crashing into the pentagon.
The plane crashing into the field in PA.

I remember seeing pictures and video of
the people trying to escape NYC.
The desperate people jumping from the towers.
And then.

Then the first tower fell.
The second.

I wanted to go home.
I knew that life as I knew it
was gone.

I worried for the people who had loved ones on those planes,
in the buildings that were attacked.

I felt sadness, anger, and fear.
I cried for the innocents who had lost their lives.
I cried for the people who lost those loved ones.
I cried for America, and for the world.

New Beginnings

2006-09-09T18:40:00.000-04:00

Today
I got off my ass
and started going through my things
yet again...

I'd really like to be able to see
out the back of my SUV
as I'm driving
back to Illinois. =)

Then again,
I am already missing
some of the things
I no longer have.

Just sometimes
though...
not enough
to get them back!

Anyway,
just trying
to be
sane

with my packing
and throwing
and keeping
and tossing!

That said...

I came across a couple of pages
of notebook paper
where I had written
something from Grey's Anatomy.

Isn't that the best show???

If you're not familiar -
at the end of every episode,
Meredith Grey spews forth
the smartest things you've ever heard.

It's a voice over
after all of the drama of the hour.

I don't know what episode this is from
but it struck me enough to
rewind
and write it down:

"You just have to know
and when you don't know
no one can fault you for it.
You do what you can
when you can
why you can.
When you can't
you can't.
Who gets to determine
when the old ends
and the new begins?
It's not a day on the calendar,
a birthday,
a new year.
It's an event
big or small,
something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living
and looking at the world,
letting go of old habits,
old memories.
What's important is that
we never stop believing
we can have a new beginning.
It's also important to remember
that amid all the crap,
there are a few things
really worth holding onto."

Wow.

Forward

2006-09-06T23:48:00.000-04:00

Can't believe it... T minus 11 days until I leave for home! So close to single digits!!!

Tonight Lisa and I went to a cute little Mexican joint in Lexington, Baja Grill. They have phenomenal nachos, so we've gone there a few times. Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday nights, they have karaoke in the bar area. So, tonight Lisa was craving Mexican food, so we decided to head to Baja and hear some karaoke! It was fun. We had our dinner first, then moved to the bar area and heard 4 or 5 songs before leaving. One of these days I'm going to do some serious karaoke! I sang once in a group of 8 girls. Our choice was Lady Marmalade. Let me just tell you I laughed WAY more than I sang!

Anyway, as we were sitting in the bar waiting for the first song, I said "I am really looking forward to my life." It just came out of my mouth. And I felt this great sense of peace. Lisa told me that that was really cool, and then asked me why, and what am I looking forward to about it. I thought about that for a while, because the statement was really only backed up by a feeling. Then I told her that I am just really looking forward to the possibilities, the choices, everything that I can achieve. It's up to me. And that feels good.

Slogan

2006-09-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

Today's blog challenge is to choose a t-shirt slogan that describes you.

I actually have several t-shirts with slogans, but one of them really sticks out for me.

"Define Naughty."

This describes me because I do love to push things to the limit, and if you set boundaries for me, I wanna know WHY. What is the reason behind the boundary? I don't mean to be rude, but I like to understand the why behind everything! "Because I said so" doesn't cut it for me. =) Never has, never will.

The Waiting Game...

2006-09-05T15:16:00.000-04:00

Today's blog challenge on STM is to write about how we handle anticipation. Do we like to wait?

Well, this is a good one for me. (Way to go Jozzie - always making me think!!!)

Up until about a year and a half ago, I was THE most impatient person you'd ever meet. Not so much in a bad way where I'd drive you crazy, but I would get so excited about things and it would make ME crazy! But the past year or so of my life has taught me so much patience. But do I like to wait? Generally, no. But I've learned how to put my mind at ease about things and focus on something else until I get my answer or whatever it is I happen to be waiting for! And for the times I can't put my mind at ease, I have a friend or two I know I can call for some advice and distraction. =)

I do love waiting to get something in the mail. In fact, I prefer mail order to shopping at stores because it's so much fun to get something in the mail. And there are times when I basically forget about what I'm waiting on, and when it comes it's almost a surprise!!! Love that!

One kind of waiting I do not love is waiting for medical test results!

But overall, waiting for good things can be fun.

PS - Today is T minus 12 days before I head home. But I may end up staying one extra day now. But that is by choice, so it's ok!

Achievements and Goals

2006-09-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

Today's STM Blog Challenge is to list our accomplishments for August and then goals for September. I'm in the process of setting my goals for the next few months right now, so my focus is a little bit further into the future at the moment. But I can do this!

It's hard to think that I'm achieved anything in the past month because I've been in a sort of limbo. But that's so not true!!!

I turned 38! That in itself is quite an accomplishment, now isn't it???
I sorted through all of my belongings and decided what was most important to keep.
I spent time with my family.
I made a few new friends.
I drove all the way from IL to SC by myself!!!
I realized what's important to me in life.
I started charting my goals for the rest of this year.
I strengthened my relationship with my parents.
I got back in touch with a few of my cousins and am continuing to renew those relationships.
I joined the STM site and am getting to know some GREAT people!

See, this list could go on and on. =)

Now for the goals for the next month.

Move back to IL (9/17 or 9/18).
Continue to build relationships with my family.
Continue to chart goals for the rest of the year and track those goals.
Continue to explore the spiritual side of life.
Participate in all STM challenges for September.
Decide if I can submit to the STM TDT Challenge and subsequently do so if applicable.

Freaky Foods!

2006-08-31T10:45:00.000-04:00

Today's STM blog challenge is to list food combinations that you love but others might find nauseating. At first I kept thinking "I don't eat any weird combinations", but then I realized that's because I don't think they're weird. Doesn't mean others wouldn't! I read a few other blog challenge submissions for inspiration and there it came! (Thanks Elizabeth!!!)

Grilled cheese with dill pickle slices.
This seems so normal to me. But I remember telling a friend about it once and getting the strangest look! You make a grilled cheese, like normal. When it's done and the cheese is still all melty and soft, gently peel the bread slices open and insert crisp, cold dill pickle slices. Put the bread back together immediately. The cheese will melt back together. As you eat the sandwich, you get the occasional bites of tangy dill pickle. It's phenomenal!!!

Now the rest of this post isn't about my own freaky food fascinations, but my mom's. These freak me out!!! My mom grew up in a family of 6 children with a very limited income. They really learned to stretch things when it came to food. To this day, my mom will occasionally eat some pretty strange things. It CAN'T taste good. I think it just evokes a warm fuzzy for her, you know? They couldn't afford cereal for breakfast, so they made to with yesterday's cornbread, or even saltine crackers. I've seen my mom so many times crumble up either leftover cornbread (which is not at all the sweetened kind) or crush up saltine crackers, and pour milk over that and chow down. Ugh.

Ooooo! Just thought of something else I love that seems normal to me, but perhaps not every would agree? I love dipping bacon or sausage into syrup.

What about this? Mix egg salad with shredded cheese. Spread a decent layer onto a slice of bread (I like to lightly toast my bread first for a little extra crunch) and put it under the broiler until the cheese melts, the egg salad warms, and the top gets a touch of golden brown. mmmmmm! Now that's a comfort food for me....

Purpose

2006-08-31T01:56:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm still awake! =)

Been browsing in the world of Blog...

Borrowing a lovely quote I saw on Jill Conyers' blog...

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. -Eleanor Roosevelt

I want to make a quotes book and this one is mos def gonna be in it!!!

Dimension

2006-08-31T00:51:00.000-04:00

OK, it's technically August 31st. I say technically, because the time (est) is now 12:46 a.m. and I have not yet gone to sleep. So to me it's still Wednesday!!!

But... going with the technical and being that it's 8/31, it's T MINUS 17!!! 2 weeks and 3 days left. Wow.

Kevin and Lisa leave for their cruise in just over a week - a week from Friday. They'll be gone til the following Saturday. And then I'm planning to leave on Sunday. Monday at the latest. And I haven't yet determined my route. I can return the way I came in, or I can shoot over to ATL first and visit my bestest friend in the whole universe (that's something we've always said and it is still the truth!), Tane' Ya. She moved to Atlanta from Chicago just over a year ago. I need to see what she has going on when I'll be in the area. She's working two jobs right now and interviewing for others (to replace the 2, not in addition!!!), and she's got a lot going on. But if she's got the time, I really would love to see her. Otherwise, it may be a long, LONG time before I can see her again.

The ATL route would send me through Nashville, TN. Another old friend of mine lives there now. She was my best friend in high school. I was hoping to see her in July at the 20-year reunion, but she wasn't there. I found out she's living in Nashville now, with her husband, two little girls, and a boy on the way. So I think I may try to get ahold of her and see about stopping there, too. We'll see. It could me a tad bit awkward and I'm not sure if I'm up for that!!!

All of that work earlier today on my acroname and I still needed the help of a wonderful, trusted friend to get me through a slump! Thank goodness for friends - especially this one!!! =) Redefine. Refocus!!!

Anyway, one of the things I need to work on is my tendency to overanalyze situations that are NOT in my control. To just let go. I have this need to take things into hand and direct them. Control. But there is so very little in life that we can truly control. Other than ourselves, I mean. And God knows I can barely control myself! Who am I to think I can even begin to control other people or situations? I go back and forth with this. I said this several times to someone in the recent past - if you really want something, go get it. If you don't work for it, do you really think it's just going to magically land in your lap?

And I still think that is true. But at the same time, one must exercise moderation. Yeah, go for the things you want. But realize that there is only so much you can do. Put your intentions out there, and see what happens. Do what you can, and then LET GO.

It's all so confusing, isn't it? There's never a black or white! And boy do I love black and white!!! It's clear, crisp, structured, concise.

But then I look at shading and color and see the beauty of that. How sad it would be if everything were only black and white. It's the color and shading of things that gives dimension and life.

ha!

Is this one of those "Aha! Moments" per Oprah?

I will
*learn to breathe
*take things as they come
*stop trying to control the world
*enjoy the colors and shading!

tfl to my insane early a.m. ramblings!!!

What's in a Name?

2006-08-30T16:59:00.000-04:00

Today's STM blog challenge is to create an "Acroname" based on the letters in your name. This was a very tough one for me. I finally have come up with something, but I'm not sure I love it. I may continue to think about this exercise over time and maybe something else will surface. But for now:

Rene = Redefining Efforts Needed Everyday.

OK, first, I KNOW everyday isn't just one word in this context. But that's ok!

And secondly, I guess for the time being this is a perfect acronym for me. Because I have to redefine my efforts for redefining ME every single day. I've spent almost my entire life living for others. A year and a half ago, I realized what I've really been hiding from myself all along. I have been living my life for others and completely lost myself. Sure, little peeps of me came out from time to time, but mostly I just wanted everyone around me to be happy. So I would make their desires my own. And now I'm learning, and I'm finally getting it, that I matter, too. And in order to truly care for others, I first must care for me. If I don't, who will?

I've made a lot of progress on an emotional level. I still struggle, almost daily. But that's ok. This time it's about me.

Dirty, Filthy Love

2006-08-29T23:29:00.000-04:00

hee hee!

got you, didn't I???

It's actually the title of a movie. Not an X-rated one, either. Although, I'm guessing there's probably an adult movie out there with the same title.

However, the movie I'm about to tell you about is NOT of that genre. It's about people with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). To an extreme. I know several people who have small OC Quirks. I have a few of my own!!! Anyway, I think this is a great movie. It's funny, and very touching. I saw it tonight for the second time and I laughed just as much and almost as hard as the first time I saw it. The first time, I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop crying... This time it was just as funny, but I didn't laugh quite so hard. Near the end it gets pretty rough, at least for me. I feel so much for these people and their disorder. The things they go through.

It reminds me of the past year when I would see a homeless person. I remember that I used to (SEVERAL years back) always think how horrible it was that these people let themselves get to that point. That you could always get a job at McDonalds. Then a few years ago I softened and realized that no, you can't always get a job at McDonalds. First, you have to have an address. And a place to take a bath, and somewhere to wash your clothes. It's a lot more than just not wanting to work. Not to mention, many of the people who are on the streets are victims of some form of mental illness. They need medication. Without a job, without insurance, they can't get the medications they need.

So, in the past year or so, I really began to see how close each and every one of us is to being that person. It wouldn't take much to put many of us in that situation. Granted, there is a line you have to cross where you feel like you just can't deal any more. I was lucky enough to have several friends who were willing to let me stay with them. But you know what? It's HARD to ask for help. It really is.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging this. I guess it's just that I have a huge soft spot for people who hit bottom. And I'm asking that, if you read this, the next time you see someone who is homeless and desolate, please don't just assume they just don't have the "get up and go" to make things work. Because there is truly a point where you consider spending your last $20 on alcohol and sitting on a bench in a beautiful park. Give those people a smile. And say a little prayer for them. Because someone you know could be in that position sometime. xo

To be a child...

2006-08-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

Today's blog challenge on STM is to list a child-like activity you like to participate in from time to time. Because it's important to let the child in all of us come out to play sometimes!!! =)

My favorite thing is swinging. At the park, naughty girls!!! =) It's always been enjoyable for me, but for the past year or so, when I was going through a particularly rough spot, it became something I did for myself. Something that helped me get up off of the couch. Something that made me smile, made me feel free. I'm smiling now just thinking of the happy feeling I get when I sit down in the swing and just go.

OK, I also like to skip, but it's rare that I get to do that one!!! At my age, it kinda requires that I have a skipping child along with me. Otherwise, the men in white coats might be called by someone who sees a 38-year old woman skipping...

Focus

2006-08-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

19 days left until I head back to Illinois!!!

I can't believe it.
Time really does fly...

***

You know how sometimes it is so easy to get distracted
from where you really want to focus
in life?

I struggle with this alot.
Distraction.

I have the kind of mind that gets
hooked on something
and doesn't let go.

Why isn't it the thing I WANT to focus on
that I get hooked on???

So, bringing my goals back into focus.

Where am I going in life?

I am going to go back to school to become a nurse.
I am going to spend more time with my family.
I am going to get my finances in order.

Those are the main areas of focus.

This doesn't mean I'm not open to other things.
There are little things I also want to enjoy along the way...

I want to get involved in my hometown.
I want to experience to thrill of local high school sporting events.
I want to attend different churches and find one that speaks to me.

And someday, maybe I will find a special someone
who thinks I'm amazing and respects and loves me.
I would like that.

The first time I...

2006-08-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

We're doing a cool new blog challenge on a scrapbooking website I'm a member of: Scrap That Moment. Today's challenge is to write about your first time of doing something. It's hard to thing of anything PG!!! But something that popped into my mind is...

The first time I heard of rubberstamping I thought it was the STUPIDEST thing I had ever heard of...

I was invited to a Stampin' Up! workshop and I declined. I told the girls that I was in no way interested in such a stupid thing. I had better things to do with my time! But then the next day, two of the girls I worked with who attended the workshop brought in what they made, along with a catalog. I was amazed and hooked. I'd never seen anything so beautiful before, AND if those two girls could make something that looked so beautiful, I knew it was amazing! So I called the demonstrator that very day and ordered a catalog. She asked if she could have it sent in the workshop order, but I told her that I really needed it shipped that day! I was hooked and I'd never even done it before. It turned out to be one of the best things that ever came into my life!!!

I'm trying...

2006-08-28T10:50:00.000-04:00

OK, so it's T minus 20 today. Which is cool. I'm just under the 3 week mark now!!!

But I'm trying SO hard to keep from freaking out right now. Money is so tight and I just don't know how I'm going to make it for the next 20 days. I've got to set aside enough money for gas to get me back home. Which is fine. I've got that money stashed away in my dresser drawer. And I've got plenty of gas in my car to get me through the next few weeks here. So that's good.

But there are other things I have to use my money on
*prescription
*groceries
*stuff for Kitty Angus (food, litter)

The thing that is hardest is that I can't DO anything while I'm here. Can't afford it! I was having a little pity party this morning thinking about it. It was a little one. I guess that's ok. The thing I always remember is that the only thing that I can't recover from is death. I will survive this. And what a place to be surviving!!!

Lisa's on a conference call. Once she's done, we're going to make taco salads and have a little lunch! Afterwards, I think I'll spend a little time looking at my scrapbooking stuff. I've been spendind a lot of time of a particular site and it's really inspiring for me. I would someday love to be a DT member.

Later in the afternoon, I think I'm going to head to the pool. There is rarely anyone else there, so maybe I can practice some swimming and see if I can get it going. I just have to get past the fear!

And this evening, Lisa and I are going to work out. Day 2 of that challenge for me. I can do this!! I started a creative journal for it and I'm going to make it work!!!

T minus 21!

2006-08-27T14:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was such a crazy and fun day! I didn't get to blog, which I can't even believe...

It was a busy day - we picked up the girls and took them to the zoo. Then we all napped, had dinner, and went for an evening swim.

Today is pretty mellow. I woke up and worked out. I've started a new challenge for myself. The earlier one is going well, and is something I can maintain while starting a more difficult one.

So, today was Day One of my new challenge. I'm hoping to have a habit of working out before I head back to IL. This will be perfect timing, since I've got 21 days left here!!! Woo hoo! I made a spreadsheet of various exercises and health tasks (drinking enough water and eating fruits and veggies). My workout rotates every other day so that I'm giving my muscles a chance to rest. Today I did everything except a run, and I haven't finished all of my planks. It felt good. I'm happy to be doing this new challenge.

Friday night brought me a happy surprise - an unexpected text message. I'm still flying high from it!

So, here's to my new challenge.
Here's to making my funds last for the next 21 days.
And here's to BEING!

Day 9, T minus 23 - REALLY?

2006-08-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

Wow.

I was shocked when I went to put the title for today's post... Time really does fly.

Today has been a pretty good day!

Slept in a little bit
Did lots of relaxing
Took a nap
Read a little
Went to the pool with Lisa
Ran errands
Got some southern bbq for dinner
Getting ready to watch Memoirs of a Geisha.

AND, I found out that Paige and Maddie will be coming over tomorrow to visit! I think we're going to take them to the zoo! I'm excited about that. Love them! And the zoo will be fun.

Lisa's talking of maybe going to Charlotte next weekend to tour a couple of the historic homes and a tea plantation. There are lots of fun things to do out there, so we'll see. I am very limited on funds and need to watch my money very closely. So we'll see.

After next weekend, they are gone on their cruise the following weekend, and returning the next one. Then I'm headed back home. Wow. It's still a ways off, but at the same time, looking at it that way makes it a lot shorter sounding!!!

Well, off to watch a movie. =)

Day 8, T minus 24!

2006-08-24T21:51:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love Grey's Anatomy...

Not just the characters and the medical stuff.
But the life lessons and the songs they have on each episode
always speak to me...

Today I am SOOOOO sore from our run yesterday.
Whew!
I had forgotten that this might happen.
I jumped right up this morning to get out of bed and
OUCH!
And every time I sit for a little while and
then get up to move around, it hits me again.
OUCH!

=)

It's ok, though. It's good pain, when you know it's good for you!

But I didn't work out with Lisa this morning cuz I knew I wouldn't be able to move, let alone put more pressure on my muscles! So, I stretched, and I did some crunches.

So that felt good.

Look at me. I'm still BEING!

Last night I had a small meltdown.
It hit me all the things I have to take care of.
Things I have to be responsible and adult about.
And it hit me that
yeah, this is what I want,
but I'm 38 and I'm moving back in with my parents.

I felt like a failure.

But I'm NOT. I'm just doing something that I need to do.
It's not forever.
it's for now.
and it's for good.

Last night I had some amazing and hilarious conversations with Joz.
She helped me realize that
just sending a card to someone and telling them you miss them
does NOT tell them to call you.
So they won't.
=)

It's true.
Always ask for what you need.
How else can you expect to get it?

2006-08-23T18:49:00.000-04:00

Well! Look at me... I posted my first layout on Scrap That Moment!!! The challenge from last night's TNGC was to use fonts in a creative way - something besides titles and journaling. I was NOT comfortable with this, and I wasn't very happy with my LO. It's ok. But I don't love it. =)

Day 7, and T minus 25

2006-08-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Wow. A whole week.
A week at the challenge of being! Of enjoying the journey.
It's gone quickly.
And it's gone well! When I look back to how I was feeling a week ago and compare it to how I feel today, it's unreal. And it shows me how soon I'll be in the single digits on my "T minus" countdown!!!

I truly am looking forward to moving back home. Sure, there are some things that will be stressful. But the good things definitely outweigh the not so good!

This morning I went for a run with Lisa. We did 3 miles total, with half of it running, half walking. It was still a little too much for me for the first time out in over a year... I got really overheated. I looked like a beet. =) And I felt pretty sick for a while. Let myself lay down for a little nap after I cooled down and drank some water. Now I'm still a little weary, but I feel good.

Except for this blister on the back of my heel. Ankle? Whatever it's considered there - where my shoe was rubbing while we were out there. Must not have had my shoe tight enough. Well, tomorrow morning we're planning to do Billy Blanks' Boot Camp dvd. So I'll just wear socks and let the blister heal up a bit.

Today I submitted my first layout on STM. I'm not thrilled with the LO, but I just needed to get going. I haven't been doing much creative work in the past year at all. And it's not easy since I don't have a designated space, or even all of my things! But it's ok. I did it! I posted my first layout!!!

And, I was absolutely thrilled last night to be online for my first TNGC on STM. Lots of fun, sweet, and interesting people. And of course my Jozzie was on, too! Can't go wrong chatting with Joz. At the end of the night, the two of us chatted quite a bit with Lynette. She's also a Marilyn fan, so we did a little bit of talking about that. Then the three of us were saying we should meet up in Chicago sometime for a fun girls' day/night/weekend? ha! And we began talking about where we are/were from. Turns out Lynette was friends with the Massey triplets from my hometown! They were actually in my class in high school (Class of '86 - woohoo!), but they moved away before graduation. And Lynette knew them!!! She ended up scanning pics of the guys and posting them. Small world, ya know?

And THEN... Lynette added a picture to my profile, so whenever I post, there's a pic of Marilyn!!! Is that the sweetest or what? =)

Anyway, I think I slept with a smile on my face.

And now I'm smiling again.

Looking forward to more TNGC chats, posting more LOs and other creations to my gallery, and meeting up with Joz and Lynette someday in Chicago! hoo-raa!

Wow!

2006-08-22T16:27:00.000-04:00

OK, besides my dear friend Jozzie, I don't know if anyone else is reading my blog much.

But I feel like standing on the top of something pretty tall and yelling this out.

I feel so much better!!!

It is absolutely AMAZING
how much better it feels
when you get something off of your chest.

I promise.

If there's something you need to say...
SAY IT.

While I still have some anxiety
and I've still got so many things to tackle
important and difficult things...

I feel so much better
now that I let Lisa know I need to go back home.
Not that I was worried of
what she'd think or say.
Well, a tiny bit.
But the big thing was just
GETTING IT OUT THERE.

It truly has made a difference in the way I feel.
It's easier for me to BE...
Cuz I'm out there.
I was completely honest with myself.
I made the step.
I did it.
I am me.
I am strong.

a song for you...

2006-08-22T14:43:00.000-04:00

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid
to let them show
your true colors
true colors
are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy,
can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

and it's done!

2006-08-22T14:38:00.000-04:00

I did it!
I really did it!

I told Lisa that I'm going to go back home.
and she's not mad.
She's happy for me.
She told me that she's noticed how
much more I talk about my family now
than I used to.
How much more it means to me
to be near them
and spend time with them.

One of my very best friends in the world
once told me about a book
"Feel the Fear, and DO IT ANYWAY!".

So, I bought the book.
Haven't read it.
But the title alone has done so much for me.

I've used that as my mantra for so many things.

Seriously.

It could be a blank book inside
and I've still gotten more than my money's worth.

Thanks, dollface,
for telling me about that book.
You know who you are...
And you know that you too can do it!

Feel it!

And be.

Just be.

It makes the journey that much more enjoyable.

and... Day 6 (T minus 26!)

2006-08-22T10:14:00.000-04:00

So here I am... Day 6 of my 21-Day Challenge. To be. To enjoy the journey.

I was thinking this morning about how maybe my challenge isn't so much of a challenge. There's nothing tangible, like running every morning, drinking enough water every day, etc. But let me tell you, this is not easy for me.

To be is not just to breathe, to survive. To me, to be is to fully experience my situation. And this situation is not a comfortable one.

Yes, I'm in a beautiful place, staying in a beautiful home with good friends. But my heart is elsewhere. So this time, these remaining 26 days (yes, today is T minus 26!), are giving me much time for deep reflection.

I'm thinking of all of the things I need to do over the next several months. I'm thinking of taking important steps with people in my life. I'm also thinking of the past 38 years of my life, the things I've done, choices I've made, things I have not experienced.

I see my friend Joz, with her two beautiful children. I am so happy for her that she has Ava and Connor. I always wanted children. I've been married twice. Yet I have no children. I'm sure that is for the best, since I'm no longer married. Or, would things be different if I had children? Would I still be married to my second husband? Those are questions that I'll never be able to answer. I can be ok with that.

I always try to see the positive side of things. To make good out of my situation. Back when I learned that Mike no longer wanted to have children, I went through a period of mourning. And I decided that I would move forward and find other ways to use my natural nurturing tendencies.

I can continue to nurture in other ways. And I will.

And I will be.
And I will enjoy my journey.

I've been tagged!

2006-08-21T18:34:00.000-04:00

OK, I've been tagged!!

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Well, since Jozzie picked the ocean-view home AND the hi-rise in the city, and I'm certain I could visit her any time I want, I'm going to go for a big log cabin in the country. Near my family.

2. What's your favourite article of clothing? right now I'm loving skirts. Ones that hit near the knee and are asymmetrically hemmed.

3. Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex? For me this varies from man to man. Generally I love strong arms.

4. What's the last CD that you bought? Like Joz, I don't buy cds any more - iTunes, baby! but my last downloaded cd was the latest by Five for Fighting.

5. Where's your favourite place to be? In bed.

6. Where's your least favourite place to be? the dentist office

7. What's your favourite place to be massaged? Are you kidding? EVERYWHERE!!! Funny, though. I had a massage in South Carolina. I think the laws must be different here than they were in Illinois. This guy asked if I wanted my glutes massaged. Of course I do!! Wow. It was wonderful and painful. I've never had them worked before, so he was getting out some really old tension.

8. Strong in mind or strong in body? I guess this is one of those questions where I don't like choosing. I go back and forth. I always thought that as long as I had my mind, things were good. And so many people have done so much good being only strong of mind.

9. What time do you wake up in the morning? I don't have a "time" right now. It's kinda bad...

10. What is your favourite kitchen appliance? Blender, baby!!!

11. What makes you really angry? Abuse.

12. If you could play an instrument what would it be? I used to play piano. It's been 18 years since I've had my own. I miss it. I'd also like to learn to play guitar.

13. Favourite colour? earth tones

14. Sports car or SUV? I think Sports Car. Both have their place, though!!!

15. Do you believe in an afterlife? Sometimes...

16. Favourite children's book? I really don't know.

17. What's your favourite season? Summer!

18. What is your least favourite household chore? Dusting.

19. If you could have one super-power, what would it be? I've been sitting here for at least 5 minutes pondering this one. I guess I don't really care to have a super power?

20. If you have a tattoo what is it? I have 5. a bunny, a cross, kanji, lips, and a sun with infinity in it.

21. Can you juggle? no

22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? I would love to talk to my Grandma again.

23. What's your favourite day? Usually it's my birthday. But this year that wasn't so special for me. So for now it's September 17th!

24. What's in the boot of your car? I drive an SUV, so technically I don't have a boot! As far as the back of my SUV goes, just a can of fix-a-flat.

25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Hamburger, hands down!

Day 5, or T minus 27

2006-08-21T15:34:00.000-04:00

ok... today
has not been one of the easier days.
i've had some trouble with
just being.

but a nice chat with
a DEAR friend
made things a little
more clear.

and made it easier
to breathe.

I decided to make a calendar to be able to see how much time I have left before I go back home. I admit it. I panicked. I saw that there was nearly 4 weeks left before I go home and I wilted.

I guess I was thinking it was more like 3 weeks?

Anyway, I did it!
I picked myself back up, and counted the exact number of days.

As of today
I have 27 days and counting.
T minus 27.

The last 10 days of this time period, my friends won't be home.
For some reason, I feel like those days will go quickly?
Maybe I'm subconsciously seeing myself staying in a drunken stupor
while they're gone?
Kidding!
Sorta...

Anyway, so T minus 27.

THAT is a challenge.

At first I wanted to cry.
But hey.
I'll be ok.
I've got things I can do.

I can use these 27 days to my advantage.
Cuz when I get back home,
things are going to be
hectic.
A lot to do.
Good things, and some not so good.
But a lot.

So I'm off to make yet another list.
A list of things to
accomplish over the next 27 days.

T minus 27.

T
minus
27.

27.

I can do this.
Breathe.
Be.
Just be.

Be.

2006-08-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

This morning I went to church with Kevin and Lisa. They're Episcopal. I'd never been to an Episcopal service before, and was quite interested to check it out. I do have a great interest in different religions, and especially in different areas of Christianity. It's amazing to me how many different denominations there are within the Christian faith.

So now I have a lot of Googling to do! So many questions! When did the Episcopals split off from Catholicism? Why did they? How are the two different? I noticed that there were no icons, and I know Episcopals don't see Mary in the same light at the Catholics. I also learned that the Episcopal church in the last year or so put a gay male in a high position of authority, which caused many "believers" to leave the church. I want to look more into that. And I want to learn about the seven sacraments. There was a baptism at this morning's service, so that was interesting to see. Sweet baby!!! His name is Samuel Aiden Barefoot. Sweet, huh?

The priest said one thing that popped out at me. He said, "Don't just do. Be." There are so many times when we just go through the motions. Even in my 21-Day Challenge, I know it's going to be something I'll need focus on. Don't just do this challenge. Be it. Experience it. Don't do it just for the doing. Enjoy life for the enjoyment. Don't just enjoy it in order to say you completed the challenge!

I also noticed that everyone in the south seems to dress up for church still. In Chicago and Effingham, I've seen that it's much more casual these days, the dress for church. But these people are still wearing their "Sunday best". Love it. I see the advantages to making church more comfortable, casual, and part of life. But I do like the way of spending extra time to look nice at church. Makes it more of a special occasion. 6 of one, half dozen of the other, huh? =)

and Four!

2006-08-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

Courage does not always roar.
sometimes
courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day
saying
'I will try again'.
-Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage.

This is a great quote for me.
I've had a lot of courage in my life.
I've made lots of courageous moves.
Moving out here was not the least of those.
I guess that was more of a roar of courage.

And now, having the courage to know
that maybe this isn't the right long-term decision for me,
knowing I CAN try again tomorrow,
that is also courage.
Not letting myself worry about what other will think.
Will they say I'm a failure?
Will they say "I knew it"?
But I must do what is right for me.
Not for anyone else.

So the quiet whisper of courage comes through now.
I WILL try again tomorrow.

{smile}

Day 3!

2006-08-19T21:37:00.000-04:00

Rhonna posted a Marianne Williamson quote today!

"joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."

wow...

so true. just thinking about what is good in my life, regardless of the tough times, does bring joy. the tough times even have a way of bringing out the good in my life. The good things come into focus.

Joy.

I love that feeling.

I have an anxiety disorder. Not the exciting, normal anxiety that we all experience when things are different. But anxiety that requires a lot of self talk, deep breathing, and occasional Xanax... But... I weaned myself off of Xanax completely about 5 months ago, I think. I had been taking 10mg daily, plus 5-10mg more when needed (in extra stressful situations - outside of the norm).

Anyway, I'm proud of me. I took Xanax to get me through the toughest period. I was at the point where I wasn't strong enough mentally or emotionally to support myself through that time. But I've strengthened myself over the last year and gotten myself to where I can recognize when things are getting bad, and I can practice some relaxation techniques. Sometimes I just know that I have to give myself some space, time away from the outside world. And that's ok. So far I've been able to do a lot of things through some terrible panic attacks. Yeah, me! =)

I guess I just needed to remind myself of that. Sometimes the anxiety just sneaks up on me. And the worst part is, is blocks me from seeing the things that bring me joy! But my 21-Day Challenge again comes into play here. Enjoy the journey. Hey - the word joy is part of enjoy! ha! =)

Well, today was a big day. Lots of anxiety, but I've survived!!! =) This morning Kevin and Lisa and I went to Columbia to meet up with a co-worker of Kevin's. He is a pilot and has a twin-engine four-seater plane and wanted to take us flying. It was pretty scary, but I relaxed after a few minutes in the air. However, after about 45 minutes, I started to feel PRETTY motion sick. Between the pressure on my head from the headphones, the heat, and the circles we were making, I finally had it. I guess one of the others saw the green look of my skin. The pilot asked if I needed to go back. I figured that I didn't want to ruin it for everyone else, so I was just going to wait until I couldn't take it any more. But thankfully they were all ok with going back at that point. =) So, now it's about 10 hours later and I'm finally starting to feel less nauseous. It was fun, but I think I've had my fill of small planes. =)

Lisa and I went to the pool for a couple of hours. I think that I may be able to practice swimming here. There are only about 40 houses in this subdivision, so the pool is never busy. I'm guessing during the week it will be pretty bare over there!!! So, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, I can work on my tan. =)

After the pool, we showered off and ran some errands. Cool material thing of the day - Lisa had to stop at SteinMart. I think that was my first time in one of those stores. I was expecting a TJMaxx feel, but it was much more dept store, much less garage sale. But still good price. I found a skirt on clearance that I figured would ring up around $25. It was very pretty, and originally $80. $25 would be a great deal, so why not? Well, it ended up being $8something!!! I couldn't believe it. It was 50% off of the $25, and 15% more off because of some red dot sale! Wow. It's gorgeous. I can't wait to wear it somewhere and feel pretty!!!

Joy!!!

Day Two

2006-08-18T08:22:00.000-04:00

Rhonna's posted quote today is:

"Feeling sorry for yourself and your present condition is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have." - Dale Carnegie

That's not me.
Ouch.
Yes, sometimes it is!

I guess it's human nature
when you get into an unhappy place
to think
woe is me
wah
why is this happening?

I'm a firm believer in
actions causing reactions.

Most of what goes on in our lives
is a result of choices we've made earlier on.

so

Today I will not feel sorry for myself
or for my situation.
I can overcome this.
and I can enjoy the journey.
I can make better choices in the future.

100 Favorite Things

2006-08-18T08:12:00.000-04:00

Here they are JW - as promised - in no particular order!

Baths
Candles
Margaritas
Pico de gallo
Cookbooks
Adoption Stories
Birth Stories
Medical documentaries
discovering a phenomenal new restaurant
Las Vegas
Beach vacations
Jozzie
blogging
Diet Coke
Wildflowers
Art museums
Bodies of water
Talking to doctors
laptops
itunes
Google
the internet
chai tea latte
Puppies/dogs
Kitties/cats
sunshine
thunderstorms
mountains
the sound of the ocean waves crashing onto the beach
stars
full moons
scrapbooking
rubberstamping
being creative with friends
meeting new people
Evan
scented oils
getting massages
giving massages
singing
smiling
muscles
hummus
mai tais
nature walks
freshly mowed grass
tattoos
Caleb
Kitty
My car
the start of a new tv season
going to plays
live music
unexpected cards in the mail
family
deep breathing
crab legs
Portillo’s chocolate cake
trivia
black and white photos
earth tones
flip flops
pedicures
birthdays
homemade ice cream
fresh tomatoes
gardens
porch swings
convertibles
character
new clothes
fresh laundry
online shopping
swings
smiles from strangers
southern hospitality
excellent customer service
making people smile
laughter
laughing
naps
intimacy
sex
fresh fruit
breakfast
going to the movies
Mexican-style shrimp tacos (soft corn tortillas, grilled shrimp, cilantro, lime, and onion)
achieving a goal
hugs
snuggling
farmstands
country homes with big porches
books
old photos
hyacinth
horses
my dad
watermelon
tomato mozzarella salad
facials

Day One...

2006-08-17T14:25:00.000-04:00

well, i did NOT get a good night's sleep last night.
so much on my mind.

i was so confused this morning on what to do for my first
21-Day Challenge.

But now I know.

I will just live...
breathe...
enjoy my journey.

Which right now is definitely a challenge.

I am almost 100% certain that I will be moving back to Illinois.
I've been in South Carolina for only a week.

So many people are telling me to give it more time.

But I know this is not right for me.
I just know.

I don't have all of the details figured out, but I'll get there.
That's part of my journey. =)

Rhonna's quote for today:

"Without struggles, there is no progress." Frederick Douglass

Amazing... True. So I must keep in mind that all of my struggles in this past year, and for sure in the past month, are all working toward progress.

I WILL achieve my dreams. I will breathe. And I will enjoy this journey.

21-Day Challenge

2006-08-16T23:31:00.000-04:00

Since getting myself addicted to blogs, I was blessed to discover Rhonna Farrer's blog. Her 21-Day Challenge intrigues me.

I sit here with so many things going on in my life right now.
So many directions I could go.
And trying to figure out what to do for a 21-Day Challenge for myself
is pretty close to impossible.

Besides the fact that I'm just crazed right now,
we also have to consider the fact that when I decide to change something
I can never narrow it down to just one thing.
In fact, I can barely get it down to "just" 10 things!!!

In making my list to help me figure out which direction to take in my life right now,
I also managed to make a list of "options"
of things I could do for a 21-Day Challenge.
I'll review those things tonight
and sleep on it
and maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up knowing which one I want to focus on for this round.

I've also always had this quirk where I can't imagine starting my own Day One
when Rhonna and (I'm just certain) everyone else is going to be on Day 17...

So... one more step outside of my comfort zone!

Tomorrow will be my Day One.

See you tomorrow...

Today's Thoughts

2006-08-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

Dinner last night was really good.
Kevin stayed home. Said he had some work to do and wanted me and Lisa to be able to have some girl time.
I personally think he also enjoyed the option of having some alone time!!! =)

I drove. Lisa took me to a place in Columbia. I forget the name Motor something. I kept calling Motor City, and then yelling "Detroit!" after. I don't know why... It just came out of me and seemed fun!

I had a shrimp dish. It was shrimp, "house-made" sausage, and red peppers over a plain risotto, with a butter sauce. Yum. We ordered an apricot/apple/brie bruschetta for an appetizer. I had a glass of sparkling rose'. It was all very good.

Lisa had a blackened triggerfish over sweet potatoes, with a mango salsa. It was yummy, too.

So, I've spent a lot of the day figuring out differences between LLC and MTC. One has to wonder why I didn't go into such a deep study before moving here. But I guess it's better late than never! And I'm very lucky to have such a beautiful place to figure things out!!!

For now, I'm staying until 9/17. Kevin and Lisa will be going on a cruise, leaving on 9/7. The cruise takes off on 9/8, and I think they fly back to SC on the 16th. I would hate to leave before that, as I know they were excited to have me staying here to watch the house and take care of their cats while they're gone. The least I can do to repay them for this opportunity, is to stay at least until they take their cruise.

I will post on my finding about colleges and the other things I need to consider about where to live soon. It's been requested by my friend Kelly that I add Elgin Community College to my list of considerations. =)

Today, part 2

2006-08-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

hmmm...

this is strange.
I posted twice today.

But my second post just showed a title. No text underneath.
hmmm...

mind you, i discovered this AFTER my massage
so i can't truly remember what i said.

did my blog just combine both postings?
or did one disappear?
ha!
I have no idea.

So here I am.
Thinking I'd be posting a third time, but
now it looks like it's the second.
=)

The massage was nice.
I also went to the bookstore.
Did very well - saw several books I'd love
but only bought one.
and a magazine.

Then I stopped at TJMaxx
looking for more skirts.
Funny how when you move to another region,
the clothes you own
just don't seem appropriate...
ha!
Here everyone just seems a little more
dressed up.
I feel more comfortable in skirts here
than jeans.
Which was my mainstay in Chicago...

But I didn't find any skirts that were "right".
3 shirts and a dress, though.
But I'm only keeping 1 or 2 of the shirts.
The other shirt (and maybe one more)
and the dress
go back.

I need a nap.
We're going to dinner later tonight.
To celebrate my day.
Me.
Rene.
=)

And my mind is starting to consider
the reality of my situation again.

Should I stay or should I go now?
ha!
need to look up the lyrics for that one.
Maybe it will give me the answer?

All I know is that my family is so much more
important to me now than ever before.
I know some of my dear friends think
perhaps
it's just the homesickness that's making me
miss them.
But I think I'd be missing Chicago more
if that were the case?

Hmmm.

Today

2006-08-15T10:50:00.000-04:00

is my birthday!
38

that's right, 38...

no, not 28, Jozzie!
I've got 10 years on you... ;)

i'm happy about my age
the years
the emotions
the good times
the bad...

it has all come together to make me
ME!

I am me
i love being me...

today is my day!

still full of anxiety
but that is NOT going to take away my day.
it's not.
it can't.
i won't let it...
{smile}

it's up to me.
and i choose

to enjoy my day.

I'm going to post this, then jump in the shower.
Heading to Barnes and Noble to buy myself a birthday book.

Then I'm going to explore Lexington a little bit.
Drive around, start to see things in a different light.

This may end up being my temporary home.
Or it may just be a nice vacation.

Either way, I want to see Lexington while I'm here.

At 1pm I am getting a massage
from a man named Hans... {big smile}

Lisa and Kevin are giving that to me for a birthday gift.

Which reminds me.
They gave me a funny birthday card.

The front just has a b/w photo of evergreens covered in snow.

the inside reads:
"so i called mavis to tell her i
got eight inches last night and,
of course, the bitch claimed she
got nine."

i love that my friends are just as nasty as i...

potty humor
sexual humor
it's all good.

which reminds me of Sunday
when Maddie and Paige kept
talking about "potty words".

they're adorable.
and well behaved.

they wouldn't SAY any potty words.
but they got just as much enjoyment
if not more,
from saying the phrase "potty words".
and giggling.
and giggling.
and making me giggle.

{happy sigh}

Tomorrow

2006-08-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is...
my birthday!
38.
i can't believe it! I love it!

This is the first year since I've been old enough to know what my birthday was that I don't feel crazy excited. I usually drive everyone crazy with talk of my birthday month... Always have felt that the entire month of August is a special one, because IT'S MINE!!! But this year I haven't focused much on it. And I haven't even thought much about the actual day... I don't have the usual excitement going on inside of me. =(

how sad...

Well, today has been better. I'm still not happy to be here, but I'm accepting of the fact that I'm here, and I just remind myself that this is not something I can't change. And God, it is beautiful country.

Today I drove when Lisa and I went out for lunch. We went to a small Mexican joint, Taqueria. I was hopeful - in Chicago places that look like this and have such names are very authentic. But I'm learning that in SC, just because a restaurant looks or sounds authentic, doesn't mean it is! In fact, it's a rarity! But this was a goldmine... Yum. And, the kicker was that I got us back home without even having to ask for directions. Well, I did make sure I was going out the right exit in the parking lot, but after that I was on my own and I did it!

I've been reading a lot of blogs in the past couple of days. It's nice to get inspiration from others. And there are so many inspiring people out there!!! It's helping me a lot to get through this tough time.

This is quite a learning experience, for sure. It's teaching me more about what's important in life. I've been on that learning journey for over a year now. But now I'm getting more into specifics. It's good. It's painful, but good.

A new day

2006-08-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

Yes, doll, it is a lovely thing to have a blog - a place to write all of my thoughts - a place where a select group of people are invited (except for anyone who may just discover it but won't know what everything means!) inside of my mind and my heart.

Today was nice. The weather was absolutely perfect. It was mid-80's with practically no humidity. Kevin and Lisa took me to Kevin's sister's house. She (also Lisa) and her husband, Craig (a geriatric internal med doc) have two little girls and live in a huge and fabulous home on a huge lake. They have a pontoon boat docked right in their backyard. Unreal. They're so sweet. Craig talked a lot about his job and let me ask a zillion questions. They cooked us a great meal (chili-lime marinated flank steak, red potatoes, broccoli, and tomato-mozzarella salad) and then took us for a ride in the boat. It was amazing. Their daughters, Maddie (5) and Paige (3) were phenomenal. Quite energetic, but I loved them a lot. They gave me hugs and were very sweet to me. We played hide and seek, duck/duck/goose, and a memory game with a Disney theme. I read Paige a couple of books after dinner. Then we watched a dvd recording of their final recital from "Fantasy Princess Dance Camp" that they attended all last week. =) So sweet.

Kevin's mom was also there. What a sweet lady. She lived in Westmont, IL (southwest suburbs of Chicago) for 40 years and fairly recently moved with her husband to North Carolina (about 3.5 hours from where Kevin & Lisa and Lisa & Craig are living in South Carolina). She talked about how painful it was to move, but that she didn't have any options because her family was here and this was the way it was going to be.

The experience was a good one. South Carolina is a very beautiful place. It made me feel a little bit of happiness here. But it also reinforced the fact that I don't want to miss out on my family - being around while Evan is growing up, spending a little more time with my paternal grandparents before they pass on, and other aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not to mention my own parents and my brother. Family really is a precious thing. This is nothing I've ever felt, believed, or spoken before.

On the ride back to Kevin & Lisa's this evening, I received a text message from PR. Amazing, isn't it, how someone could make you feel so wonderful such a short time back, and now they do nothing but make you irritated and nauseous? =) I got this text message asking me if I was feeling any better today. I wrote back that I was feeling more numb to the situation, but that I still miss my family. His response - "how much longer are you going to allow this to go on?" EXCUSE ME? You know what? Piss off. Just piss off... What exactly are you saying here? It sounds condescending and disrespectful. I don't need that, especially from YOU. Are you seriously asking ME how long I'm going to let a situation that only affects ME to go on? You, the person who was involved in a situation that affected a LOT of people who couldn't make a choice until it was too late and everyone got hurt? I really don't need any lip from you. If you want to be supportive, we'll chat. But you have lost any and every right to chastise me for anything. Seriously.

Anyway, I didn't respond to that. So about 30 minutes later I get another message asking me if I'm considering moving to Effingham. Guess what. I don't feel like sharing that information with you. You are not someone who needs to be involved in my thoughts or my decisions.

Blah! Anyway, enough about that.

So what are my thoughts now? I'm just going to take things easy here. I started going through my things again. I know this is nuts, since I've gone through my things at least twice already and gotten rid of the majority of my possessions, but I started going through my bathroom things again today and have gotten rid of more stuff. Seriously, how many products does one person need? Those 15 lipsticks? I don't even wear lipstick! Lotions and perfume samples? Won't ever use them. Tossed them all. I figure that if I stay, this will give me more space. If I go, it will be less crowded in my truck this time around! =)

So... I'm taking things a day at a time, and just going through all of my options again.

1 - stay here, live with Kevin and Lisa for a while, get a job, save money, and start school either Spring 2007 or Fall 2007.

2 - go back to Chicago, live with Kelly, work somewhere and try to save money, and start school Spring 2007 at Elgin CC.

3 - move to Effingham, live with my parents, and work and save money until I can get my own place. Start school Spring 2007 at Lake Land College. Help with Evan. Help with my Grandparents.

I need to make a chart of pros and cons for all 3. It will require some research on the schools. I need to make some calls and find out what the average number of students trying to get into their nursing programs has been for the past few years, and how many spaces they have available. That will be something HUGE to consider.

Yes, before I made the decision to move to SC, I made such a chart and I considered some things. But I didn't look into the college options as much as I should have. I also didn't consider my family in the decision. It makes me wonder if I needed to make this move, even if temporarily, to discover how important my family is to me. No, this isn't just something that I'm feeling because of what I'm going through right now. The last couple of visits I had with my family, when people (including my dad) would mention that I should stay around, I blocked them out. I felt I had made my choice, and I was going to follow through with it. Period. I'm kinda stubborn like that.... =)

So, I'm going to call my dad in a bit. Then I'm going to chill and watch tv. Tomorrow morning I'll start making my chart. Then we'll just go from there.

No matter what, things are going to be ok. I do feel that now. Don't get me wrong. I'm still crazy stressed. I have had diahrrea for the past 4 days. I have no appetite. I eat, but it's not as much of a pleasure for me as usual. I know that if I'm not careful I will fall back into that place of major depression, and I don't want to be there. Especially not while I'm out here. I've been in a very dark place in the recent past (just over a year ago). It lasted 5 months before I was able to really get off of the couch, even. I don't need to suffer through that again. And I don't want to. I refuse to do that. If I start to feel like that's coming back into my life, I will be back on the road in a flash. I would have to. I just can't go through that again.

I know that no matter what happens, I'm getting to some important realizations in my life. Realizations about family, faith (God), and myself. This is a struggle, but it will be for good in the long run.

Don't Avoid...

2006-08-13T00:03:00.000-04:00

Isn't it crazy how sometimes things just come at you? Right now I'm going through such a tough time. It seems weird that this is the toughest time I remember, when it seems like the other things I've gone through in the past year or so should feel more painful than this. I mean, here I am, experiencing something that most people are too afraid to do. I drove across the country with all of my life packed into my truck. I got rid of so many things that formerly felt SO important to me. I "landed" in a beautiful, scenic area, and unloaded all of my things into a gorgeous room in an Architectural-Digest caliber home. I have the opportunity to live in a beautiful, warm climate, in the amazing home, with a great friend, for FREE. Yet here I am, questionning my being here. Why did I feel I had to go so far away to achieve my goals?

I've been re-reviewing my options. I could stay here and make things work. Or, I can go back to Chicago, move back into Kelly's (love her!), and work my tail off to save up some money and then try to go to Elgin Community College for Nursing. Finally, I could move back to Effingham, live with my parents for a while and work to save money, then go to Lake Land College for Nursing.

Why did I choose South Carolina when I initially made the choice? I needed to remove myself from the Chicago area. Could I go back? Yes, I could. Should I? That I don't know. Is it fair for me to depend on Kelly for a place to live? I don't think I should do that. I miss my friends there, but who is to say I can't visit? Or that I eventually won't go back once I have my degree? The cost of living in Chicago is so much more than elsewhere. So it's not the most practical choice, to say the least.

Effingham. Originally I didn't even consider it because I felt I wouldn't be able to handle living at home again. But the past few visits I've had there (all in the past 2 months) have been great. Religion hasn't been pushed on me like I felt it was in the past. I went to Sunday School a couple of times, but it was never pushed on me. And I only went to one evening service to see a special speaker. After that, it was never even asked of me. Which I greatly appreciate. What are the negatives of going to Effingham?

*tight quarters (my brother and nephew are living there with my parents now, too)
*

hmmm... I was unable to think of another negative.

*oh, work options aren't overly abundant.

Positives?
*time with family
*lower cost of living
*familiarity
*old friends
*probably a better chance of succeeding in the nursing program (less competition)

For now, though, I am trying to wait a bit longer. I do need to give it a little more time, I know. But I also know that if I don't think I want to stay I should make the decision within the next month or so. I believe I have 60 days to register my car and all here. I don't want to pay for all of that and then end up moving back to IL and paying to reinstate myself there. That would be silly.

I was terribly worried about how Lisa and Kevin would feel if I decided not to stay. I wanted to talk to her so badly about things, but I was planning to wait until sometime next week while Kevin was at work. However, today when we were on our way to a shopping spree, it just burst out of me! I told her, and I cried, that I didn't know if I could stay. That I didn't want her to worry about my room still being full of boxes cuz I am not ready to unpack yet because I may move back to IL. Lisa told me that she cried and cried when she moved here. However, she knew she did NOT want to move back to IL. She just wanted to have her friends and her familiar places here with her. Our experiences are different in that way. She's got the comfort of being here with Kevin. He is her main family now, you know? Even though I have Lisa here, it's not quite the same as true family, or true love. I still feel alone.

So, per the suggestion of my mom, I'm going to think of this as a vacation for now. If I leave, I spent a nice time of vacation in South Carolina! I know I sound more upbeat right now than I really am... And I know that when I get up tomorrow morning it's all going to hit me again and I'll be in tears. I'll call my dad when I know he's home from church and I'll cry to him about being unhappy and uncertain of what to do.

Back to the first statement I made in this post - isn't it crazy how things come up to you sometimes? I finally got around to reading the past month's posts on Ali Edwards' blog today. Her post dated 8/3/06 is titled "Keep Experiencing and Don't Avoid". She talks about how we tend to just stick to the familiar and we stop experiencing life. She has an autistic son. People with autism are very uncomfortable when their routines are varied or disturbed. In one part she says:

"Sometimes it is easier to just avoid, go down the same path, not take the risk, just stay home. Especially with a special needs kid who responds differently to everyday situations. In all reality, it does no one any good to avoid."

She says earlier in her post "And you know what? It is hard."

Wow. Boy is it? Stepping outside of your "norm" is beyond difficult. It's painful. So my question to myself - does this mean it is the right thing for me? Because it hurts? No. Sometimes, but not always. I'm going to spend the next week thinking very deeply and figuring out if being here is right for me, even for just a short time (3 months or more), or if it was just something I needed to try out, and maybe something else is the right thing for me instead? I've got a lot of thinking to do. Lots of soul searching. I know that when I decided to come here, I did a lot of thinking. But I also know I didn't give all of my options a fair shot. And it's not like I made a bad choice, regardless. I have been the one who has been saying over and over, it's not like I can't come back. If I don't like it, if it's not for me, I can go somewhere else. The only thing that is permanent is death. So I need to listen to my own advice, huh? Cuz it's been killing me the past few days, the thought of looking like a failure to some people if I end up not staying in SC. I know some people will talk, but who freaking cares? Since when have I let other peoples' thoughts rule me? Not very often in the past 10 years, that's for sure.

I miss my family. They really are good people. I don't agree with them on everything, but is there anyone on earth I agree with completely? Not that I'm aware of! I miss my little Evan. I don't want to miss seeing him grow up over the next 2 or 3 years. I can't imagine it.

Is there any way I could make Effingham work out for me? Well, my parents are willing to let me live with them for a while (they'd probably let me stay there forever, but that would be insane!!!) and get on my feet. I could go through with my plans for filing bankruptcy to clear my debts and get back on track, apply for financial aid and start college courses in the spring, and work hard for the next several months to save up money and hopefully get my own place. I have a cousin (and her husband) who works at a bar & grill called Sneaky Pete's in Effingham. I have waitressing experience, and I'm guessing I could learn bartending from Erin and work at least a couple of days there and work another job as well. Then I think I could work the bartending/waitressing gig around my school schedule and make pretty good money, once I start school. Having my family around for support would be a huge plus. Erin has been making $600 a week in tips alone. That's more than I was making at Asha over 2 weeks' time... And the cost of living is so much cheaper. My mom knows of an apartment available. The owner just fixed it up and doesn't have it listed cuz she is VERY particular about who she'll rent to. So that would be an option for me, I think. The only downside to that one is that it's in walking distance from my parents' house. Again, lately that doesn't sound like as much of a downside as it would've a year ago... I am much better at letting people know what I need, so I think setting boundaries with my parents (mainly my mom!) wouldn't be as difficult as it used to be. =)

I reacquainted myself with some old friends from high school when I was home a few weeks' back. And I have several cousins in the nearby area. We all used to be very close and I know that could be achieved again. Anyway...

We'll see what happens. Tomorrow we're going to Kevin's sister's house for an early dinner. She lives on a HUGE lake about 30 - 45 minutes from Kevin and Lisa's. It will be nice to be there and they've got some hilarious little kids that I have heard so many stories about and can't wait to meet in person! This coming week I plan to do a lot of soul searching, and work on some of my scrapbooking projects. Next Saturday, Kevin, Lisa and I have been invited to go up in a twin-engine plane with a guy Kevin works with. He's a flight instructor and has also offered to let each of us fly the plane if we want. I haven't decided on that part yet. But I have agreed to take the flight! So that will be a new thing for me. Something that scares me, but I know it will be ok.

After that, there are a few other things Lisa is kinda planning. She wants to take a trip to Charleston, to do some sightseeing. Then one day up to wherever the Biltmore Estate is - North Carolina - can't remember the city. Lots of history to see here and I'm very into doing that. While we're in Charleston, I want to try to meet up with Laura Kocur, an old friend from Indianapolis. Then one weekend we'll take a trip up to Charlotte, NC to visit Lisa's dad and his wife, Anne. I love them. Anne is amazing. She's a nurse, and she's just the sweetest person. I got to know her when they lived in Naperville and Lisa moved in with them for about a year to save money. One night Lisa and I went for a run and it started in with the hardest downpour ever. We couldn't even open our eyes! We were laughing our butts off and running through this crazy rain. We finally made it back to her Dad and Anne's house and Anne was gone. She left a note saying in case we got back, she had taken her car out and was driving around to find us because of the rain. How sweet is that??? She came back a few minutes later and we all laughed so hard about how drenched we were. Then we ate pizza. Another night we ordered Chinese food - something amazing with eggplant in it, I remember!

I guess I'm taking a little trip down memory lane! =)

OK, I'm getting pretty sleepy... g'night y'all...

Lost...

2006-08-12T10:57:00.000-04:00

Today I read a post on a dear friend's blog - "Just remember when you think all is lost. The future remains." She took this quote from a site called ThinkExist.com. It was very touching for me this morning... I have been feeling like all is lost. I arrived in South Carolina on Thursday night. Had a very good night of sleep, but when I woke up I just felt so lost. What have I done? What am I doing here? I miss my family. I miss friends, and I miss Mike. But mostly I miss my family. I spent some time with them over the past couple of months and it started to show me just how important family really is. Over the past 20 years I've kept my family at a distance. I've felt that my friends were my chosen family. But the past year has shown me so much. While it is true that a few special people truly are my chosen family, most people blow with the wind and aren't really there for you when you need them most. But family, in most cases, family will always be there for you. There truly is a bond in blood.

My first day in South Carolina was a tough one. Lisa drove me around the area a bit and showed me the main shopping areas, the post office, the DMV. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I'd cried a few times earlier in the day, but only a little bit. When we got back, I went up to my room to take a nap and the tears really started to come. I called my dad. He told me that he understands how afraid I am. He said that there were so many things he wanted to do when he was younger that he just didn't even attempt because of how afraid he was. And then he told me that if I didn't start to feel better soon, I could come back home. That he would love to have me there; but that I might start to feel better in a few days. He told me to call any time to talk, and that if I want I can come back tomorrow. It's my decision. Then he said the key thing - "you don't need to feel embarrassed if you don't stay there." I started to laugh. Asked him how he knew I was thinking that.

I'm always so firm in my decisions, once I make them. It's like I come to a decision after so much thought, I feel like I have to stick with that decision. I've always been like this. Maybe this is something that is going to teach me that it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know.

I feel like this post is really scattered. This is how my mind is feeling to me right now - jumpy and uncertain. Exhausted.

What will I do? Will I stay? Will I move to Effingham and go through with my goals there? There is a perfectly good nursing program at the nearby community college. In fact, I may have a better success in the program there. I just learned that SC has a lottery where all high school students are entered and 60% of them will earn FREE in-state college tuition. So a lot more people actually go to college here. Nursing programs are always tough to get into - there is much more demand for nurses than there is resources in the schools. So there will be a lot of students applying for the programs, but only room for say 24 each year. I guess the college lottery program here in SC makes that even more difficult... Hmmmm. But I'm trying not to focus on "negatives" right now. Just spending the next few days adapting to my surroundings and I'll go from there. My mom told me that I could just see this as a vacation if need be. I've never had such a stressful vacation, though! =)

More later...

Necessities

2006-07-21T08:53:00.000-04:00

I've been spending so much time getting ready for my move. It's interesting how many things you find aren't really necessary, things you thought you HAD to have. It's been a learning experience for me - knowing I am only taking with me what will fit into my SUV. Granted, SUVs have a lot of room in comparison to other vehicles. But still, think of putting your entire life into one SUV. It's been helpful that I've been living the life of a gypsy for the past year. It's helped me to realize that you really can survive with just a couple of bags of stuff!

The important things will be easy to fit into my load. Memories and friendships. No suitcase or box required! Sadly, the past year has also taught me that even these can be narrowed down to the ones that really matter. Or is "sadly" the wrong word here. Is it really sad that I have come to know which friends are true? No, not really! Disappointing, perhaps, but it's good to know the truth. Not that those other friendships were mere figments... I know that at some point they were important in my life, for one reason or another. But the true and lasting ones, those are the ones to pack and carry with me on my journey!

Timing

2006-07-03T21:23:00.000-04:00

Isn't it strange how timing really is everything? I'm learning so much right now - the past several months have been a lifetime of learning for me, and the past couple of months have been a concentration of such. Seriously. I'm learning more and more about friendships, love, loss, and timing.

The decision to move to South Carolina was not an easy one for me. I didn't want anyone's opinion affecting my choice. But at the same time, I did want a few choice people's opinion on how to go about making such a life-changing decision. Those I picked, I didn't tell them what the decision was, just that I was in the process of making a big decision and I wanted to know how they would go about making any major determination in their lives. I got some great advice from most. I got one very strange response, and one person didn't respond at all. hmmmm... One of my favorite discussions was with my dad:

me: "I've been given the opportunity to move in with some friends in South Carolina."
dad: "What is keeping you from it?"
me: "People."
dad: "They have people there."

ha!

Anyway, I contemplated the move for more than a week. Almost constantly while I was awake. Made lists of pros and cons. Made lists of all of my options. Made lists of questions I had about what if I go? and what if I stay?. Then one evening, I was discussing my options with a stylist at work. I think she could see how much effort I was putting into my decision. She looked at me and said, "Hey. If you go and you don't like it, you can come back." I sat there for 10 minutes after she walked away, thinking about what she had said. I guess I just needed a reminder that nothing, except death, is really permanent. And even that is debatable!

With that, my decision was clear. I am moving to South Carolina! My current calendar puts me at 31 days and counting until I drive away. There is still some room for a few tweaks here and there with my planning. I've got a lot of people to see, and a long list of things to take care of before I go. But give or take a few days, it's 31 days and counting!

I'm excited. There is so much ahead of me. I am finally going to go to school and get my RN Associates Degree. That alone makes me smile. But I'm also really looking forward to the road trip. Just me and Kitty, on the open road! I'm going to see the Great Smokey Mountains.

I'm moving to South Carolina...

2006-07-03T16:47:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how much I have to take care of before I move! I'm making lists, checking them twice... =)