Lost...

Today I read a post on a dear friend's blog - "Just remember when you think all is lost. The future remains." She took this quote from a site called ThinkExist.com. It was very touching for me this morning... I have been feeling like all is lost. I arrived in South Carolina on Thursday night. Had a very good night of sleep, but when I woke up I just felt so lost. What have I done? What am I doing here? I miss my family. I miss friends, and I miss Mike. But mostly I miss my family. I spent some time with them over the past couple of months and it started to show me just how important family really is. Over the past 20 years I've kept my family at a distance. I've felt that my friends were my chosen family. But the past year has shown me so much. While it is true that a few special people truly are my chosen family, most people blow with the wind and aren't really there for you when you need them most. But family, in most cases, family will always be there for you. There truly is a bond in blood.

My first day in South Carolina was a tough one. Lisa drove me around the area a bit and showed me the main shopping areas, the post office, the DMV. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I'd cried a few times earlier in the day, but only a little bit. When we got back, I went up to my room to take a nap and the tears really started to come. I called my dad. He told me that he understands how afraid I am. He said that there were so many things he wanted to do when he was younger that he just didn't even attempt because of how afraid he was. And then he told me that if I didn't start to feel better soon, I could come back home. That he would love to have me there; but that I might start to feel better in a few days. He told me to call any time to talk, and that if I want I can come back tomorrow. It's my decision. Then he said the key thing - "you don't need to feel embarrassed if you don't stay there." I started to laugh. Asked him how he knew I was thinking that.

I'm always so firm in my decisions, once I make them. It's like I come to a decision after so much thought, I feel like I have to stick with that decision. I've always been like this. Maybe this is something that is going to teach me that it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know.

I feel like this post is really scattered. This is how my mind is feeling to me right now - jumpy and uncertain. Exhausted.

What will I do? Will I stay? Will I move to Effingham and go through with my goals there? There is a perfectly good nursing program at the nearby community college. In fact, I may have a better success in the program there. I just learned that SC has a lottery where all high school students are entered and 60% of them will earn FREE in-state college tuition. So a lot more people actually go to college here. Nursing programs are always tough to get into - there is much more demand for nurses than there is resources in the schools. So there will be a lot of students applying for the programs, but only room for say 24 each year. I guess the college lottery program here in SC makes that even more difficult... Hmmmm. But I'm trying not to focus on "negatives" right now. Just spending the next few days adapting to my surroundings and I'll go from there. My mom told me that I could just see this as a vacation if need be. I've never had such a stressful vacation, though! =)

More later...