Don't Avoid...

Isn't it crazy how sometimes things just come at you? Right now I'm going through such a tough time. It seems weird that this is the toughest time I remember, when it seems like the other things I've gone through in the past year or so should feel more painful than this. I mean, here I am, experiencing something that most people are too afraid to do. I drove across the country with all of my life packed into my truck. I got rid of so many things that formerly felt SO important to me. I "landed" in a beautiful, scenic area, and unloaded all of my things into a gorgeous room in an Architectural-Digest caliber home. I have the opportunity to live in a beautiful, warm climate, in the amazing home, with a great friend, for FREE. Yet here I am, questionning my being here. Why did I feel I had to go so far away to achieve my goals?

I've been re-reviewing my options. I could stay here and make things work. Or, I can go back to Chicago, move back into Kelly's (love her!), and work my tail off to save up some money and then try to go to Elgin Community College for Nursing. Finally, I could move back to Effingham, live with my parents for a while and work to save money, then go to Lake Land College for Nursing.

Why did I choose South Carolina when I initially made the choice? I needed to remove myself from the Chicago area. Could I go back? Yes, I could. Should I? That I don't know. Is it fair for me to depend on Kelly for a place to live? I don't think I should do that. I miss my friends there, but who is to say I can't visit? Or that I eventually won't go back once I have my degree? The cost of living in Chicago is so much more than elsewhere. So it's not the most practical choice, to say the least.

Effingham. Originally I didn't even consider it because I felt I wouldn't be able to handle living at home again. But the past few visits I've had there (all in the past 2 months) have been great. Religion hasn't been pushed on me like I felt it was in the past. I went to Sunday School a couple of times, but it was never pushed on me. And I only went to one evening service to see a special speaker. After that, it was never even asked of me. Which I greatly appreciate. What are the negatives of going to Effingham?

*tight quarters (my brother and nephew are living there with my parents now, too)
*

hmmm... I was unable to think of another negative.

*oh, work options aren't overly abundant.

Positives?
*time with family
*lower cost of living
*familiarity
*old friends
*probably a better chance of succeeding in the nursing program (less competition)

For now, though, I am trying to wait a bit longer. I do need to give it a little more time, I know. But I also know that if I don't think I want to stay I should make the decision within the next month or so. I believe I have 60 days to register my car and all here. I don't want to pay for all of that and then end up moving back to IL and paying to reinstate myself there. That would be silly.

I was terribly worried about how Lisa and Kevin would feel if I decided not to stay. I wanted to talk to her so badly about things, but I was planning to wait until sometime next week while Kevin was at work. However, today when we were on our way to a shopping spree, it just burst out of me! I told her, and I cried, that I didn't know if I could stay. That I didn't want her to worry about my room still being full of boxes cuz I am not ready to unpack yet because I may move back to IL. Lisa told me that she cried and cried when she moved here. However, she knew she did NOT want to move back to IL. She just wanted to have her friends and her familiar places here with her. Our experiences are different in that way. She's got the comfort of being here with Kevin. He is her main family now, you know? Even though I have Lisa here, it's not quite the same as true family, or true love. I still feel alone.

So, per the suggestion of my mom, I'm going to think of this as a vacation for now. If I leave, I spent a nice time of vacation in South Carolina! I know I sound more upbeat right now than I really am... And I know that when I get up tomorrow morning it's all going to hit me again and I'll be in tears. I'll call my dad when I know he's home from church and I'll cry to him about being unhappy and uncertain of what to do.

Back to the first statement I made in this post - isn't it crazy how things come up to you sometimes? I finally got around to reading the past month's posts on Ali Edwards' blog today. Her post dated 8/3/06 is titled "Keep Experiencing and Don't Avoid". She talks about how we tend to just stick to the familiar and we stop experiencing life. She has an autistic son. People with autism are very uncomfortable when their routines are varied or disturbed. In one part she says:

"Sometimes it is easier to just avoid, go down the same path, not take the risk, just stay home. Especially with a special needs kid who responds differently to everyday situations. In all reality, it does no one any good to avoid."

She says earlier in her post "And you know what? It is hard."

Wow. Boy is it? Stepping outside of your "norm" is beyond difficult. It's painful. So my question to myself - does this mean it is the right thing for me? Because it hurts? No. Sometimes, but not always. I'm going to spend the next week thinking very deeply and figuring out if being here is right for me, even for just a short time (3 months or more), or if it was just something I needed to try out, and maybe something else is the right thing for me instead? I've got a lot of thinking to do. Lots of soul searching. I know that when I decided to come here, I did a lot of thinking. But I also know I didn't give all of my options a fair shot. And it's not like I made a bad choice, regardless. I have been the one who has been saying over and over, it's not like I can't come back. If I don't like it, if it's not for me, I can go somewhere else. The only thing that is permanent is death. So I need to listen to my own advice, huh? Cuz it's been killing me the past few days, the thought of looking like a failure to some people if I end up not staying in SC. I know some people will talk, but who freaking cares? Since when have I let other peoples' thoughts rule me? Not very often in the past 10 years, that's for sure.

I miss my family. They really are good people. I don't agree with them on everything, but is there anyone on earth I agree with completely? Not that I'm aware of! I miss my little Evan. I don't want to miss seeing him grow up over the next 2 or 3 years. I can't imagine it.

Is there any way I could make Effingham work out for me? Well, my parents are willing to let me live with them for a while (they'd probably let me stay there forever, but that would be insane!!!) and get on my feet. I could go through with my plans for filing bankruptcy to clear my debts and get back on track, apply for financial aid and start college courses in the spring, and work hard for the next several months to save up money and hopefully get my own place. I have a cousin (and her husband) who works at a bar & grill called Sneaky Pete's in Effingham. I have waitressing experience, and I'm guessing I could learn bartending from Erin and work at least a couple of days there and work another job as well. Then I think I could work the bartending/waitressing gig around my school schedule and make pretty good money, once I start school. Having my family around for support would be a huge plus. Erin has been making $600 a week in tips alone. That's more than I was making at Asha over 2 weeks' time... And the cost of living is so much cheaper. My mom knows of an apartment available. The owner just fixed it up and doesn't have it listed cuz she is VERY particular about who she'll rent to. So that would be an option for me, I think. The only downside to that one is that it's in walking distance from my parents' house. Again, lately that doesn't sound like as much of a downside as it would've a year ago... I am much better at letting people know what I need, so I think setting boundaries with my parents (mainly my mom!) wouldn't be as difficult as it used to be. =)

I reacquainted myself with some old friends from high school when I was home a few weeks' back. And I have several cousins in the nearby area. We all used to be very close and I know that could be achieved again. Anyway...

We'll see what happens. Tomorrow we're going to Kevin's sister's house for an early dinner. She lives on a HUGE lake about 30 - 45 minutes from Kevin and Lisa's. It will be nice to be there and they've got some hilarious little kids that I have heard so many stories about and can't wait to meet in person! This coming week I plan to do a lot of soul searching, and work on some of my scrapbooking projects. Next Saturday, Kevin, Lisa and I have been invited to go up in a twin-engine plane with a guy Kevin works with. He's a flight instructor and has also offered to let each of us fly the plane if we want. I haven't decided on that part yet. But I have agreed to take the flight! So that will be a new thing for me. Something that scares me, but I know it will be ok.

After that, there are a few other things Lisa is kinda planning. She wants to take a trip to Charleston, to do some sightseeing. Then one day up to wherever the Biltmore Estate is - North Carolina - can't remember the city. Lots of history to see here and I'm very into doing that. While we're in Charleston, I want to try to meet up with Laura Kocur, an old friend from Indianapolis. Then one weekend we'll take a trip up to Charlotte, NC to visit Lisa's dad and his wife, Anne. I love them. Anne is amazing. She's a nurse, and she's just the sweetest person. I got to know her when they lived in Naperville and Lisa moved in with them for about a year to save money. One night Lisa and I went for a run and it started in with the hardest downpour ever. We couldn't even open our eyes! We were laughing our butts off and running through this crazy rain. We finally made it back to her Dad and Anne's house and Anne was gone. She left a note saying in case we got back, she had taken her car out and was driving around to find us because of the rain. How sweet is that??? She came back a few minutes later and we all laughed so hard about how drenched we were. Then we ate pizza. Another night we ordered Chinese food - something amazing with eggplant in it, I remember!

I guess I'm taking a little trip down memory lane! =)

OK, I'm getting pretty sleepy... g'night y'all...