A new day

Yes, doll, it is a lovely thing to have a blog - a place to write all of my thoughts - a place where a select group of people are invited (except for anyone who may just discover it but won't know what everything means!) inside of my mind and my heart.

Today was nice. The weather was absolutely perfect. It was mid-80's with practically no humidity. Kevin and Lisa took me to Kevin's sister's house. She (also Lisa) and her husband, Craig (a geriatric internal med doc) have two little girls and live in a huge and fabulous home on a huge lake. They have a pontoon boat docked right in their backyard. Unreal. They're so sweet. Craig talked a lot about his job and let me ask a zillion questions. They cooked us a great meal (chili-lime marinated flank steak, red potatoes, broccoli, and tomato-mozzarella salad) and then took us for a ride in the boat. It was amazing. Their daughters, Maddie (5) and Paige (3) were phenomenal. Quite energetic, but I loved them a lot. They gave me hugs and were very sweet to me. We played hide and seek, duck/duck/goose, and a memory game with a Disney theme. I read Paige a couple of books after dinner. Then we watched a dvd recording of their final recital from "Fantasy Princess Dance Camp" that they attended all last week. =) So sweet.

Kevin's mom was also there. What a sweet lady. She lived in Westmont, IL (southwest suburbs of Chicago) for 40 years and fairly recently moved with her husband to North Carolina (about 3.5 hours from where Kevin & Lisa and Lisa & Craig are living in South Carolina). She talked about how painful it was to move, but that she didn't have any options because her family was here and this was the way it was going to be.

The experience was a good one. South Carolina is a very beautiful place. It made me feel a little bit of happiness here. But it also reinforced the fact that I don't want to miss out on my family - being around while Evan is growing up, spending a little more time with my paternal grandparents before they pass on, and other aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not to mention my own parents and my brother. Family really is a precious thing. This is nothing I've ever felt, believed, or spoken before.

On the ride back to Kevin & Lisa's this evening, I received a text message from PR. Amazing, isn't it, how someone could make you feel so wonderful such a short time back, and now they do nothing but make you irritated and nauseous? =) I got this text message asking me if I was feeling any better today. I wrote back that I was feeling more numb to the situation, but that I still miss my family. His response - "how much longer are you going to allow this to go on?" EXCUSE ME? You know what? Piss off. Just piss off... What exactly are you saying here? It sounds condescending and disrespectful. I don't need that, especially from YOU. Are you seriously asking ME how long I'm going to let a situation that only affects ME to go on? You, the person who was involved in a situation that affected a LOT of people who couldn't make a choice until it was too late and everyone got hurt? I really don't need any lip from you. If you want to be supportive, we'll chat. But you have lost any and every right to chastise me for anything. Seriously.

Anyway, I didn't respond to that. So about 30 minutes later I get another message asking me if I'm considering moving to Effingham. Guess what. I don't feel like sharing that information with you. You are not someone who needs to be involved in my thoughts or my decisions.

Blah! Anyway, enough about that.

So what are my thoughts now? I'm just going to take things easy here. I started going through my things again. I know this is nuts, since I've gone through my things at least twice already and gotten rid of the majority of my possessions, but I started going through my bathroom things again today and have gotten rid of more stuff. Seriously, how many products does one person need? Those 15 lipsticks? I don't even wear lipstick! Lotions and perfume samples? Won't ever use them. Tossed them all. I figure that if I stay, this will give me more space. If I go, it will be less crowded in my truck this time around! =)

So... I'm taking things a day at a time, and just going through all of my options again.

1 - stay here, live with Kevin and Lisa for a while, get a job, save money, and start school either Spring 2007 or Fall 2007.

2 - go back to Chicago, live with Kelly, work somewhere and try to save money, and start school Spring 2007 at Elgin CC.

3 - move to Effingham, live with my parents, and work and save money until I can get my own place. Start school Spring 2007 at Lake Land College. Help with Evan. Help with my Grandparents.

I need to make a chart of pros and cons for all 3. It will require some research on the schools. I need to make some calls and find out what the average number of students trying to get into their nursing programs has been for the past few years, and how many spaces they have available. That will be something HUGE to consider.

Yes, before I made the decision to move to SC, I made such a chart and I considered some things. But I didn't look into the college options as much as I should have. I also didn't consider my family in the decision. It makes me wonder if I needed to make this move, even if temporarily, to discover how important my family is to me. No, this isn't just something that I'm feeling because of what I'm going through right now. The last couple of visits I had with my family, when people (including my dad) would mention that I should stay around, I blocked them out. I felt I had made my choice, and I was going to follow through with it. Period. I'm kinda stubborn like that.... =)

So, I'm going to call my dad in a bit. Then I'm going to chill and watch tv. Tomorrow morning I'll start making my chart. Then we'll just go from there.

No matter what, things are going to be ok. I do feel that now. Don't get me wrong. I'm still crazy stressed. I have had diahrrea for the past 4 days. I have no appetite. I eat, but it's not as much of a pleasure for me as usual. I know that if I'm not careful I will fall back into that place of major depression, and I don't want to be there. Especially not while I'm out here. I've been in a very dark place in the recent past (just over a year ago). It lasted 5 months before I was able to really get off of the couch, even. I don't need to suffer through that again. And I don't want to. I refuse to do that. If I start to feel like that's coming back into my life, I will be back on the road in a flash. I would have to. I just can't go through that again.

I know that no matter what happens, I'm getting to some important realizations in my life. Realizations about family, faith (God), and myself. This is a struggle, but it will be for good in the long run.