Freaky Foods!

Today's STM blog challenge is to list food combinations that you love but others might find nauseating. At first I kept thinking "I don't eat any weird combinations", but then I realized that's because I don't think they're weird. Doesn't mean others wouldn't! I read a few other blog challenge submissions for inspiration and there it came! (Thanks Elizabeth!!!)

Grilled cheese with dill pickle slices.
This seems so normal to me. But I remember telling a friend about it once and getting the strangest look! You make a grilled cheese, like normal. When it's done and the cheese is still all melty and soft, gently peel the bread slices open and insert crisp, cold dill pickle slices. Put the bread back together immediately. The cheese will melt back together. As you eat the sandwich, you get the occasional bites of tangy dill pickle. It's phenomenal!!!

Now the rest of this post isn't about my own freaky food fascinations, but my mom's. These freak me out!!! My mom grew up in a family of 6 children with a very limited income. They really learned to stretch things when it came to food. To this day, my mom will occasionally eat some pretty strange things. It CAN'T taste good. I think it just evokes a warm fuzzy for her, you know? They couldn't afford cereal for breakfast, so they made to with yesterday's cornbread, or even saltine crackers. I've seen my mom so many times crumble up either leftover cornbread (which is not at all the sweetened kind) or crush up saltine crackers, and pour milk over that and chow down. Ugh.

Ooooo! Just thought of something else I love that seems normal to me, but perhaps not every would agree? I love dipping bacon or sausage into syrup.

What about this? Mix egg salad with shredded cheese. Spread a decent layer onto a slice of bread (I like to lightly toast my bread first for a little extra crunch) and put it under the broiler until the cheese melts, the egg salad warms, and the top gets a touch of golden brown. mmmmmm! Now that's a comfort food for me....

Purpose

Yes, I'm still awake! =)

Been browsing in the world of Blog...

Borrowing a lovely quote I saw on Jill Conyers' blog...

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. -Eleanor Roosevelt

I want to make a quotes book and this one is mos def gonna be in it!!!

Dimension

OK, it's technically August 31st. I say technically, because the time (est) is now 12:46 a.m. and I have not yet gone to sleep. So to me it's still Wednesday!!!

But... going with the technical and being that it's 8/31, it's T MINUS 17!!! 2 weeks and 3 days left. Wow.

Kevin and Lisa leave for their cruise in just over a week - a week from Friday. They'll be gone til the following Saturday. And then I'm planning to leave on Sunday. Monday at the latest. And I haven't yet determined my route. I can return the way I came in, or I can shoot over to ATL first and visit my bestest friend in the whole universe (that's something we've always said and it is still the truth!), Tane' Ya. She moved to Atlanta from Chicago just over a year ago. I need to see what she has going on when I'll be in the area. She's working two jobs right now and interviewing for others (to replace the 2, not in addition!!!), and she's got a lot going on. But if she's got the time, I really would love to see her. Otherwise, it may be a long, LONG time before I can see her again.

The ATL route would send me through Nashville, TN. Another old friend of mine lives there now. She was my best friend in high school. I was hoping to see her in July at the 20-year reunion, but she wasn't there. I found out she's living in Nashville now, with her husband, two little girls, and a boy on the way. So I think I may try to get ahold of her and see about stopping there, too. We'll see. It could me a tad bit awkward and I'm not sure if I'm up for that!!!

All of that work earlier today on my acroname and I still needed the help of a wonderful, trusted friend to get me through a slump! Thank goodness for friends - especially this one!!! =) Redefine. Refocus!!!

Anyway, one of the things I need to work on is my tendency to overanalyze situations that are NOT in my control. To just let go. I have this need to take things into hand and direct them. Control. But there is so very little in life that we can truly control. Other than ourselves, I mean. And God knows I can barely control myself! Who am I to think I can even begin to control other people or situations? I go back and forth with this. I said this several times to someone in the recent past - if you really want something, go get it. If you don't work for it, do you really think it's just going to magically land in your lap?

And I still think that is true. But at the same time, one must exercise moderation. Yeah, go for the things you want. But realize that there is only so much you can do. Put your intentions out there, and see what happens. Do what you can, and then LET GO.

It's all so confusing, isn't it? There's never a black or white! And boy do I love black and white!!! It's clear, crisp, structured, concise.

But then I look at shading and color and see the beauty of that. How sad it would be if everything were only black and white. It's the color and shading of things that gives dimension and life.

ha!

Is this one of those "Aha! Moments" per Oprah?

I will
*learn to breathe
*take things as they come
*stop trying to control the world
*enjoy the colors and shading!

tfl to my insane early a.m. ramblings!!!

What's in a Name?

Today's STM blog challenge is to create an "Acroname" based on the letters in your name. This was a very tough one for me. I finally have come up with something, but I'm not sure I love it. I may continue to think about this exercise over time and maybe something else will surface. But for now:

Rene = Redefining Efforts Needed Everyday.

OK, first, I KNOW everyday isn't just one word in this context. But that's ok!

And secondly, I guess for the time being this is a perfect acronym for me. Because I have to redefine my efforts for redefining ME every single day. I've spent almost my entire life living for others. A year and a half ago, I realized what I've really been hiding from myself all along. I have been living my life for others and completely lost myself. Sure, little peeps of me came out from time to time, but mostly I just wanted everyone around me to be happy. So I would make their desires my own. And now I'm learning, and I'm finally getting it, that I matter, too. And in order to truly care for others, I first must care for me. If I don't, who will?

I've made a lot of progress on an emotional level. I still struggle, almost daily. But that's ok. This time it's about me.

Dirty, Filthy Love

hee hee!

got you, didn't I???

It's actually the title of a movie. Not an X-rated one, either. Although, I'm guessing there's probably an adult movie out there with the same title.

However, the movie I'm about to tell you about is NOT of that genre. It's about people with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). To an extreme. I know several people who have small OC Quirks. I have a few of my own!!! Anyway, I think this is a great movie. It's funny, and very touching. I saw it tonight for the second time and I laughed just as much and almost as hard as the first time I saw it. The first time, I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop crying... This time it was just as funny, but I didn't laugh quite so hard. Near the end it gets pretty rough, at least for me. I feel so much for these people and their disorder. The things they go through.

It reminds me of the past year when I would see a homeless person. I remember that I used to (SEVERAL years back) always think how horrible it was that these people let themselves get to that point. That you could always get a job at McDonalds. Then a few years ago I softened and realized that no, you can't always get a job at McDonalds. First, you have to have an address. And a place to take a bath, and somewhere to wash your clothes. It's a lot more than just not wanting to work. Not to mention, many of the people who are on the streets are victims of some form of mental illness. They need medication. Without a job, without insurance, they can't get the medications they need.

So, in the past year or so, I really began to see how close each and every one of us is to being that person. It wouldn't take much to put many of us in that situation. Granted, there is a line you have to cross where you feel like you just can't deal any more. I was lucky enough to have several friends who were willing to let me stay with them. But you know what? It's HARD to ask for help. It really is.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging this. I guess it's just that I have a huge soft spot for people who hit bottom. And I'm asking that, if you read this, the next time you see someone who is homeless and desolate, please don't just assume they just don't have the "get up and go" to make things work. Because there is truly a point where you consider spending your last $20 on alcohol and sitting on a bench in a beautiful park. Give those people a smile. And say a little prayer for them. Because someone you know could be in that position sometime. xo

To be a child...

Today's blog challenge on STM is to list a child-like activity you like to participate in from time to time. Because it's important to let the child in all of us come out to play sometimes!!! =)

My favorite thing is swinging. At the park, naughty girls!!! =) It's always been enjoyable for me, but for the past year or so, when I was going through a particularly rough spot, it became something I did for myself. Something that helped me get up off of the couch. Something that made me smile, made me feel free. I'm smiling now just thinking of the happy feeling I get when I sit down in the swing and just go.

OK, I also like to skip, but it's rare that I get to do that one!!! At my age, it kinda requires that I have a skipping child along with me. Otherwise, the men in white coats might be called by someone who sees a 38-year old woman skipping...

Focus

19 days left until I head back to Illinois!!!

I can't believe it.
Time really does fly...

***

You know how sometimes it is so easy to get distracted
from where you really want to focus
in life?

I struggle with this alot.
Distraction.

I have the kind of mind that gets
hooked on something
and doesn't let go.

Why isn't it the thing I WANT to focus on
that I get hooked on???

So, bringing my goals back into focus.

Where am I going in life?

I am going to go back to school to become a nurse.
I am going to spend more time with my family.
I am going to get my finances in order.

Those are the main areas of focus.

This doesn't mean I'm not open to other things.
There are little things I also want to enjoy along the way...

I want to get involved in my hometown.
I want to experience to thrill of local high school sporting events.
I want to attend different churches and find one that speaks to me.

And someday, maybe I will find a special someone
who thinks I'm amazing and respects and loves me.
I would like that.

The first time I...

We're doing a cool new blog challenge on a scrapbooking website I'm a member of: Scrap That Moment. Today's challenge is to write about your first time of doing something. It's hard to thing of anything PG!!! But something that popped into my mind is...

The first time I heard of rubberstamping I thought it was the STUPIDEST thing I had ever heard of...

I was invited to a Stampin' Up! workshop and I declined. I told the girls that I was in no way interested in such a stupid thing. I had better things to do with my time! But then the next day, two of the girls I worked with who attended the workshop brought in what they made, along with a catalog. I was amazed and hooked. I'd never seen anything so beautiful before, AND if those two girls could make something that looked so beautiful, I knew it was amazing! So I called the demonstrator that very day and ordered a catalog. She asked if she could have it sent in the workshop order, but I told her that I really needed it shipped that day! I was hooked and I'd never even done it before. It turned out to be one of the best things that ever came into my life!!!

I'm trying...

OK, so it's T minus 20 today. Which is cool. I'm just under the 3 week mark now!!!

But I'm trying SO hard to keep from freaking out right now. Money is so tight and I just don't know how I'm going to make it for the next 20 days. I've got to set aside enough money for gas to get me back home. Which is fine. I've got that money stashed away in my dresser drawer. And I've got plenty of gas in my car to get me through the next few weeks here. So that's good.

But there are other things I have to use my money on
*prescription
*groceries
*stuff for Kitty Angus (food, litter)

The thing that is hardest is that I can't DO anything while I'm here. Can't afford it! I was having a little pity party this morning thinking about it. It was a little one. I guess that's ok. The thing I always remember is that the only thing that I can't recover from is death. I will survive this. And what a place to be surviving!!!

Lisa's on a conference call. Once she's done, we're going to make taco salads and have a little lunch! Afterwards, I think I'll spend a little time looking at my scrapbooking stuff. I've been spendind a lot of time of a particular site and it's really inspiring for me. I would someday love to be a DT member.

Later in the afternoon, I think I'm going to head to the pool. There is rarely anyone else there, so maybe I can practice some swimming and see if I can get it going. I just have to get past the fear!

And this evening, Lisa and I are going to work out. Day 2 of that challenge for me. I can do this!! I started a creative journal for it and I'm going to make it work!!!

T minus 21!

Yesterday was such a crazy and fun day! I didn't get to blog, which I can't even believe...

It was a busy day - we picked up the girls and took them to the zoo. Then we all napped, had dinner, and went for an evening swim.

Today is pretty mellow. I woke up and worked out. I've started a new challenge for myself. The earlier one is going well, and is something I can maintain while starting a more difficult one.

So, today was Day One of my new challenge. I'm hoping to have a habit of working out before I head back to IL. This will be perfect timing, since I've got 21 days left here!!! Woo hoo! I made a spreadsheet of various exercises and health tasks (drinking enough water and eating fruits and veggies). My workout rotates every other day so that I'm giving my muscles a chance to rest. Today I did everything except a run, and I haven't finished all of my planks. It felt good. I'm happy to be doing this new challenge.

Friday night brought me a happy surprise - an unexpected text message. I'm still flying high from it!

So, here's to my new challenge.
Here's to making my funds last for the next 21 days.
And here's to BEING!

Day 9, T minus 23 - REALLY?

Wow.

I was shocked when I went to put the title for today's post... Time really does fly.

Today has been a pretty good day!

Slept in a little bit
Did lots of relaxing
Took a nap
Read a little
Went to the pool with Lisa
Ran errands
Got some southern bbq for dinner
Getting ready to watch Memoirs of a Geisha.

AND, I found out that Paige and Maddie will be coming over tomorrow to visit! I think we're going to take them to the zoo! I'm excited about that. Love them! And the zoo will be fun.

Lisa's talking of maybe going to Charlotte next weekend to tour a couple of the historic homes and a tea plantation. There are lots of fun things to do out there, so we'll see. I am very limited on funds and need to watch my money very closely. So we'll see.

After next weekend, they are gone on their cruise the following weekend, and returning the next one. Then I'm headed back home. Wow. It's still a ways off, but at the same time, looking at it that way makes it a lot shorter sounding!!!

Well, off to watch a movie. =)

Day 8, T minus 24!

I absolutely love Grey's Anatomy...

Not just the characters and the medical stuff.
But the life lessons and the songs they have on each episode
always speak to me...

Today I am SOOOOO sore from our run yesterday.
Whew!
I had forgotten that this might happen.
I jumped right up this morning to get out of bed and
OUCH!
And every time I sit for a little while and
then get up to move around, it hits me again.
OUCH!

=)

It's ok, though. It's good pain, when you know it's good for you!

But I didn't work out with Lisa this morning cuz I knew I wouldn't be able to move, let alone put more pressure on my muscles! So, I stretched, and I did some crunches.

So that felt good.

Look at me. I'm still BEING!

Last night I had a small meltdown.
It hit me all the things I have to take care of.
Things I have to be responsible and adult about.
And it hit me that
yeah, this is what I want,
but I'm 38 and I'm moving back in with my parents.

I felt like a failure.

But I'm NOT. I'm just doing something that I need to do.
It's not forever.
it's for now.
and it's for good.

Last night I had some amazing and hilarious conversations with Joz.
She helped me realize that
just sending a card to someone and telling them you miss them
does NOT tell them to call you.
So they won't.
=)

It's true.
Always ask for what you need.
How else can you expect to get it?

Well! Look at me... I posted my first layout on Scrap That Moment!!! The challenge from last night's TNGC was to use fonts in a creative way - something besides titles and journaling. I was NOT comfortable with this, and I wasn't very happy with my LO. It's ok. But I don't love it. =)

Day 7, and T minus 25

Wow. A whole week.
A week at the challenge of being! Of enjoying the journey.
It's gone quickly.
And it's gone well! When I look back to how I was feeling a week ago and compare it to how I feel today, it's unreal. And it shows me how soon I'll be in the single digits on my "T minus" countdown!!!

I truly am looking forward to moving back home. Sure, there are some things that will be stressful. But the good things definitely outweigh the not so good!

This morning I went for a run with Lisa. We did 3 miles total, with half of it running, half walking. It was still a little too much for me for the first time out in over a year... I got really overheated. I looked like a beet. =) And I felt pretty sick for a while. Let myself lay down for a little nap after I cooled down and drank some water. Now I'm still a little weary, but I feel good.

Except for this blister on the back of my heel. Ankle? Whatever it's considered there - where my shoe was rubbing while we were out there. Must not have had my shoe tight enough. Well, tomorrow morning we're planning to do Billy Blanks' Boot Camp dvd. So I'll just wear socks and let the blister heal up a bit.

Today I submitted my first layout on STM. I'm not thrilled with the LO, but I just needed to get going. I haven't been doing much creative work in the past year at all. And it's not easy since I don't have a designated space, or even all of my things! But it's ok. I did it! I posted my first layout!!!

And, I was absolutely thrilled last night to be online for my first TNGC on STM. Lots of fun, sweet, and interesting people. And of course my Jozzie was on, too! Can't go wrong chatting with Joz. At the end of the night, the two of us chatted quite a bit with Lynette. She's also a Marilyn fan, so we did a little bit of talking about that. Then the three of us were saying we should meet up in Chicago sometime for a fun girls' day/night/weekend? ha! And we began talking about where we are/were from. Turns out Lynette was friends with the Massey triplets from my hometown! They were actually in my class in high school (Class of '86 - woohoo!), but they moved away before graduation. And Lynette knew them!!! She ended up scanning pics of the guys and posting them. Small world, ya know?

And THEN... Lynette added a picture to my profile, so whenever I post, there's a pic of Marilyn!!! Is that the sweetest or what? =)

Anyway, I think I slept with a smile on my face.

And now I'm smiling again.

Looking forward to more TNGC chats, posting more LOs and other creations to my gallery, and meeting up with Joz and Lynette someday in Chicago! hoo-raa!

Wow!

OK, besides my dear friend Jozzie, I don't know if anyone else is reading my blog much.

But I feel like standing on the top of something pretty tall and yelling this out.

I feel so much better!!!

It is absolutely AMAZING
how much better it feels
when you get something off of your chest.

I promise.

If there's something you need to say...
SAY IT.

While I still have some anxiety
and I've still got so many things to tackle
important and difficult things...

I feel so much better
now that I let Lisa know I need to go back home.
Not that I was worried of
what she'd think or say.
Well, a tiny bit.
But the big thing was just
GETTING IT OUT THERE.

It truly has made a difference in the way I feel.
It's easier for me to BE...
Cuz I'm out there.
I was completely honest with myself.
I made the step.
I did it.
I am me.
I am strong.

a song for you...

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid
to let them show
your true colors
true colors
are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy,
can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

and it's done!

I did it!
I really did it!

I told Lisa that I'm going to go back home.
and she's not mad.
She's happy for me.
She told me that she's noticed how
much more I talk about my family now
than I used to.
How much more it means to me
to be near them
and spend time with them.

One of my very best friends in the world
once told me about a book
"Feel the Fear, and DO IT ANYWAY!".

So, I bought the book.
Haven't read it.
But the title alone has done so much for me.

I've used that as my mantra for so many things.

Seriously.

It could be a blank book inside
and I've still gotten more than my money's worth.

Thanks, dollface,
for telling me about that book.
You know who you are...
And you know that you too can do it!

Feel it!

And be.

Just be.

It makes the journey that much more enjoyable.

and... Day 6 (T minus 26!)

So here I am... Day 6 of my 21-Day Challenge. To be. To enjoy the journey.

I was thinking this morning about how maybe my challenge isn't so much of a challenge. There's nothing tangible, like running every morning, drinking enough water every day, etc. But let me tell you, this is not easy for me.

To be is not just to breathe, to survive. To me, to be is to fully experience my situation. And this situation is not a comfortable one.

Yes, I'm in a beautiful place, staying in a beautiful home with good friends. But my heart is elsewhere. So this time, these remaining 26 days (yes, today is T minus 26!), are giving me much time for deep reflection.

I'm thinking of all of the things I need to do over the next several months. I'm thinking of taking important steps with people in my life. I'm also thinking of the past 38 years of my life, the things I've done, choices I've made, things I have not experienced.

I see my friend Joz, with her two beautiful children. I am so happy for her that she has Ava and Connor. I always wanted children. I've been married twice. Yet I have no children. I'm sure that is for the best, since I'm no longer married. Or, would things be different if I had children? Would I still be married to my second husband? Those are questions that I'll never be able to answer. I can be ok with that.

I always try to see the positive side of things. To make good out of my situation. Back when I learned that Mike no longer wanted to have children, I went through a period of mourning. And I decided that I would move forward and find other ways to use my natural nurturing tendencies.

I can continue to nurture in other ways. And I will.

And I will be.
And I will enjoy my journey.

I've been tagged!

OK, I've been tagged!!

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Well, since Jozzie picked the ocean-view home AND the hi-rise in the city, and I'm certain I could visit her any time I want, I'm going to go for a big log cabin in the country. Near my family.

2. What's your favourite article of clothing? right now I'm loving skirts. Ones that hit near the knee and are asymmetrically hemmed.

3. Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex? For me this varies from man to man. Generally I love strong arms.

4. What's the last CD that you bought? Like Joz, I don't buy cds any more - iTunes, baby! but my last downloaded cd was the latest by Five for Fighting.

5. Where's your favourite place to be? In bed.

6. Where's your least favourite place to be? the dentist office

7. What's your favourite place to be massaged? Are you kidding? EVERYWHERE!!! Funny, though. I had a massage in South Carolina. I think the laws must be different here than they were in Illinois. This guy asked if I wanted my glutes massaged. Of course I do!! Wow. It was wonderful and painful. I've never had them worked before, so he was getting out some really old tension.

8. Strong in mind or strong in body? I guess this is one of those questions where I don't like choosing. I go back and forth. I always thought that as long as I had my mind, things were good. And so many people have done so much good being only strong of mind.

9. What time do you wake up in the morning? I don't have a "time" right now. It's kinda bad...

10. What is your favourite kitchen appliance? Blender, baby!!!

11. What makes you really angry? Abuse.

12. If you could play an instrument what would it be? I used to play piano. It's been 18 years since I've had my own. I miss it. I'd also like to learn to play guitar.

13. Favourite colour? earth tones

14. Sports car or SUV? I think Sports Car. Both have their place, though!!!

15. Do you believe in an afterlife? Sometimes...

16. Favourite children's book? I really don't know.

17. What's your favourite season? Summer!

18. What is your least favourite household chore? Dusting.

19. If you could have one super-power, what would it be? I've been sitting here for at least 5 minutes pondering this one. I guess I don't really care to have a super power?

20. If you have a tattoo what is it? I have 5. a bunny, a cross, kanji, lips, and a sun with infinity in it.

21. Can you juggle? no

22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? I would love to talk to my Grandma again.

23. What's your favourite day? Usually it's my birthday. But this year that wasn't so special for me. So for now it's September 17th!

24. What's in the boot of your car? I drive an SUV, so technically I don't have a boot! As far as the back of my SUV goes, just a can of fix-a-flat.

25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Hamburger, hands down!

Day 5, or T minus 27

ok... today
has not been one of the easier days.
i've had some trouble with
just being.

but a nice chat with
a DEAR friend
made things a little
more clear.

and made it easier
to breathe.

I decided to make a calendar to be able to see how much time I have left before I go back home. I admit it. I panicked. I saw that there was nearly 4 weeks left before I go home and I wilted.

I guess I was thinking it was more like 3 weeks?

Anyway, I did it!
I picked myself back up, and counted the exact number of days.

As of today
I have 27 days and counting.
T minus 27.

The last 10 days of this time period, my friends won't be home.
For some reason, I feel like those days will go quickly?
Maybe I'm subconsciously seeing myself staying in a drunken stupor
while they're gone?
Kidding!
Sorta...

Anyway, so T minus 27.

THAT is a challenge.

At first I wanted to cry.
But hey.
I'll be ok.
I've got things I can do.

I can use these 27 days to my advantage.
Cuz when I get back home,
things are going to be
hectic.
A lot to do.
Good things, and some not so good.
But a lot.

So I'm off to make yet another list.
A list of things to
accomplish over the next 27 days.

T minus 27.

T
minus
27.

27.

I can do this.
Breathe.
Be.
Just be.

Be.

This morning I went to church with Kevin and Lisa. They're Episcopal. I'd never been to an Episcopal service before, and was quite interested to check it out. I do have a great interest in different religions, and especially in different areas of Christianity. It's amazing to me how many different denominations there are within the Christian faith.

So now I have a lot of Googling to do! So many questions! When did the Episcopals split off from Catholicism? Why did they? How are the two different? I noticed that there were no icons, and I know Episcopals don't see Mary in the same light at the Catholics. I also learned that the Episcopal church in the last year or so put a gay male in a high position of authority, which caused many "believers" to leave the church. I want to look more into that. And I want to learn about the seven sacraments. There was a baptism at this morning's service, so that was interesting to see. Sweet baby!!! His name is Samuel Aiden Barefoot. Sweet, huh?

The priest said one thing that popped out at me. He said, "Don't just do. Be." There are so many times when we just go through the motions. Even in my 21-Day Challenge, I know it's going to be something I'll need focus on. Don't just do this challenge. Be it. Experience it. Don't do it just for the doing. Enjoy life for the enjoyment. Don't just enjoy it in order to say you completed the challenge!

I also noticed that everyone in the south seems to dress up for church still. In Chicago and Effingham, I've seen that it's much more casual these days, the dress for church. But these people are still wearing their "Sunday best". Love it. I see the advantages to making church more comfortable, casual, and part of life. But I do like the way of spending extra time to look nice at church. Makes it more of a special occasion. 6 of one, half dozen of the other, huh? =)

and Four!

Courage does not always roar.
sometimes
courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day
saying
'I will try again'.
-Mary Anne Radmacher

Courage.

This is a great quote for me.
I've had a lot of courage in my life.
I've made lots of courageous moves.
Moving out here was not the least of those.
I guess that was more of a roar of courage.

And now, having the courage to know
that maybe this isn't the right long-term decision for me,
knowing I CAN try again tomorrow,
that is also courage.
Not letting myself worry about what other will think.
Will they say I'm a failure?
Will they say "I knew it"?
But I must do what is right for me.
Not for anyone else.

So the quiet whisper of courage comes through now.
I WILL try again tomorrow.

{smile}

Day 3!

Rhonna posted a Marianne Williamson quote today!

"joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."

wow...

so true. just thinking about what is good in my life, regardless of the tough times, does bring joy. the tough times even have a way of bringing out the good in my life. The good things come into focus.

Joy.

I love that feeling.

I have an anxiety disorder. Not the exciting, normal anxiety that we all experience when things are different. But anxiety that requires a lot of self talk, deep breathing, and occasional Xanax... But... I weaned myself off of Xanax completely about 5 months ago, I think. I had been taking 10mg daily, plus 5-10mg more when needed (in extra stressful situations - outside of the norm).

Anyway, I'm proud of me. I took Xanax to get me through the toughest period. I was at the point where I wasn't strong enough mentally or emotionally to support myself through that time. But I've strengthened myself over the last year and gotten myself to where I can recognize when things are getting bad, and I can practice some relaxation techniques. Sometimes I just know that I have to give myself some space, time away from the outside world. And that's ok. So far I've been able to do a lot of things through some terrible panic attacks. Yeah, me! =)

I guess I just needed to remind myself of that. Sometimes the anxiety just sneaks up on me. And the worst part is, is blocks me from seeing the things that bring me joy! But my 21-Day Challenge again comes into play here. Enjoy the journey. Hey - the word joy is part of enjoy! ha! =)

Well, today was a big day. Lots of anxiety, but I've survived!!! =) This morning Kevin and Lisa and I went to Columbia to meet up with a co-worker of Kevin's. He is a pilot and has a twin-engine four-seater plane and wanted to take us flying. It was pretty scary, but I relaxed after a few minutes in the air. However, after about 45 minutes, I started to feel PRETTY motion sick. Between the pressure on my head from the headphones, the heat, and the circles we were making, I finally had it. I guess one of the others saw the green look of my skin. The pilot asked if I needed to go back. I figured that I didn't want to ruin it for everyone else, so I was just going to wait until I couldn't take it any more. But thankfully they were all ok with going back at that point. =) So, now it's about 10 hours later and I'm finally starting to feel less nauseous. It was fun, but I think I've had my fill of small planes. =)

Lisa and I went to the pool for a couple of hours. I think that I may be able to practice swimming here. There are only about 40 houses in this subdivision, so the pool is never busy. I'm guessing during the week it will be pretty bare over there!!! So, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, I can work on my tan. =)

After the pool, we showered off and ran some errands. Cool material thing of the day - Lisa had to stop at SteinMart. I think that was my first time in one of those stores. I was expecting a TJMaxx feel, but it was much more dept store, much less garage sale. But still good price. I found a skirt on clearance that I figured would ring up around $25. It was very pretty, and originally $80. $25 would be a great deal, so why not? Well, it ended up being $8something!!! I couldn't believe it. It was 50% off of the $25, and 15% more off because of some red dot sale! Wow. It's gorgeous. I can't wait to wear it somewhere and feel pretty!!!

Joy!!!

Day Two

Rhonna's posted quote today is:

"Feeling sorry for yourself and your present condition is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have." - Dale Carnegie

That's not me.
Ouch.
Yes, sometimes it is!

I guess it's human nature
when you get into an unhappy place
to think
woe is me
wah
why is this happening?

I'm a firm believer in
actions causing reactions.

Most of what goes on in our lives
is a result of choices we've made earlier on.

so

Today I will not feel sorry for myself
or for my situation.
I can overcome this.
and I can enjoy the journey.
I can make better choices in the future.

100 Favorite Things

Here they are JW - as promised - in no particular order!

Baths
Candles
Margaritas
Pico de gallo
Cookbooks
Adoption Stories
Birth Stories
Medical documentaries
discovering a phenomenal new restaurant
Las Vegas
Beach vacations
Jozzie
blogging
Diet Coke
Wildflowers
Art museums
Bodies of water
Talking to doctors
laptops
itunes
Google
the internet
chai tea latte
Puppies/dogs
Kitties/cats
sunshine
thunderstorms
mountains
the sound of the ocean waves crashing onto the beach
stars
full moons
scrapbooking
rubberstamping
being creative with friends
meeting new people
Evan
scented oils
getting massages
giving massages
singing
smiling
muscles
hummus
mai tais
nature walks
freshly mowed grass
tattoos
Caleb
Kitty
My car
the start of a new tv season
going to plays
live music
unexpected cards in the mail
family
deep breathing
crab legs
Portillo’s chocolate cake
trivia
black and white photos
earth tones
flip flops
pedicures
birthdays
homemade ice cream
fresh tomatoes
gardens
porch swings
convertibles
character
new clothes
fresh laundry
online shopping
swings
smiles from strangers
southern hospitality
excellent customer service
making people smile
laughter
laughing
naps
intimacy
sex
fresh fruit
breakfast
going to the movies
Mexican-style shrimp tacos (soft corn tortillas, grilled shrimp, cilantro, lime, and onion)
achieving a goal
hugs
snuggling
farmstands
country homes with big porches
books
old photos
hyacinth
horses
my dad
watermelon
tomato mozzarella salad
facials

Day One...

well, i did NOT get a good night's sleep last night.
so much on my mind.

i was so confused this morning on what to do for my first
21-Day Challenge.

But now I know.

I will just live...
breathe...
enjoy my journey.

Which right now is definitely a challenge.

I am almost 100% certain that I will be moving back to Illinois.
I've been in South Carolina for only a week.

So many people are telling me to give it more time.

But I know this is not right for me.
I just know.

I don't have all of the details figured out, but I'll get there.
That's part of my journey. =)

Rhonna's quote for today:

"Without struggles, there is no progress." Frederick Douglass

Amazing... True. So I must keep in mind that all of my struggles in this past year, and for sure in the past month, are all working toward progress.

I WILL achieve my dreams. I will breathe. And I will enjoy this journey.

21-Day Challenge

Since getting myself addicted to blogs, I was blessed to discover Rhonna Farrer's blog. Her 21-Day Challenge intrigues me.

I sit here with so many things going on in my life right now.
So many directions I could go.
And trying to figure out what to do for a 21-Day Challenge for myself
is pretty close to impossible.

Besides the fact that I'm just crazed right now,
we also have to consider the fact that when I decide to change something
I can never narrow it down to just one thing.
In fact, I can barely get it down to "just" 10 things!!!

In making my list to help me figure out which direction to take in my life right now,
I also managed to make a list of "options"
of things I could do for a 21-Day Challenge.
I'll review those things tonight
and sleep on it
and maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up knowing which one I want to focus on for this round.

I've also always had this quirk where I can't imagine starting my own Day One
when Rhonna and (I'm just certain) everyone else is going to be on Day 17...

So... one more step outside of my comfort zone!

Tomorrow will be my Day One.

See you tomorrow...

Today's Thoughts

Dinner last night was really good.
Kevin stayed home. Said he had some work to do and wanted me and Lisa to be able to have some girl time.
I personally think he also enjoyed the option of having some alone time!!! =)

I drove. Lisa took me to a place in Columbia. I forget the name Motor something. I kept calling Motor City, and then yelling "Detroit!" after. I don't know why... It just came out of me and seemed fun!

I had a shrimp dish. It was shrimp, "house-made" sausage, and red peppers over a plain risotto, with a butter sauce. Yum. We ordered an apricot/apple/brie bruschetta for an appetizer. I had a glass of sparkling rose'. It was all very good.

Lisa had a blackened triggerfish over sweet potatoes, with a mango salsa. It was yummy, too.

So, I've spent a lot of the day figuring out differences between LLC and MTC. One has to wonder why I didn't go into such a deep study before moving here. But I guess it's better late than never! And I'm very lucky to have such a beautiful place to figure things out!!!

For now, I'm staying until 9/17. Kevin and Lisa will be going on a cruise, leaving on 9/7. The cruise takes off on 9/8, and I think they fly back to SC on the 16th. I would hate to leave before that, as I know they were excited to have me staying here to watch the house and take care of their cats while they're gone. The least I can do to repay them for this opportunity, is to stay at least until they take their cruise.

I will post on my finding about colleges and the other things I need to consider about where to live soon. It's been requested by my friend Kelly that I add Elgin Community College to my list of considerations. =)

Today, part 2

hmmm...

this is strange.
I posted twice today.

But my second post just showed a title. No text underneath.
hmmm...

mind you, i discovered this AFTER my massage
so i can't truly remember what i said.

did my blog just combine both postings?
or did one disappear?
ha!
I have no idea.

So here I am.
Thinking I'd be posting a third time, but
now it looks like it's the second.
=)

The massage was nice.
I also went to the bookstore.
Did very well - saw several books I'd love
but only bought one.
and a magazine.

Then I stopped at TJMaxx
looking for more skirts.
Funny how when you move to another region,
the clothes you own
just don't seem appropriate...
ha!
Here everyone just seems a little more
dressed up.
I feel more comfortable in skirts here
than jeans.
Which was my mainstay in Chicago...

But I didn't find any skirts that were "right".
3 shirts and a dress, though.
But I'm only keeping 1 or 2 of the shirts.
The other shirt (and maybe one more)
and the dress
go back.

I need a nap.
We're going to dinner later tonight.
To celebrate my day.
Me.
Rene.
=)

And my mind is starting to consider
the reality of my situation again.

Should I stay or should I go now?
ha!
need to look up the lyrics for that one.
Maybe it will give me the answer?

All I know is that my family is so much more
important to me now than ever before.
I know some of my dear friends think
perhaps
it's just the homesickness that's making me
miss them.
But I think I'd be missing Chicago more
if that were the case?

Hmmm.

Today

is my birthday!
38

that's right, 38...

no, not 28, Jozzie!
I've got 10 years on you... ;)

i'm happy about my age
the years
the emotions
the good times
the bad...

it has all come together to make me
ME!

I am me
i love being me...

today is my day!

still full of anxiety
but that is NOT going to take away my day.
it's not.
it can't.
i won't let it...
{smile}

it's up to me.
and i choose

to enjoy my day.

I'm going to post this, then jump in the shower.
Heading to Barnes and Noble to buy myself a birthday book.

Then I'm going to explore Lexington a little bit.
Drive around, start to see things in a different light.

This may end up being my temporary home.
Or it may just be a nice vacation.

Either way, I want to see Lexington while I'm here.

At 1pm I am getting a massage
from a man named Hans... {big smile}

Lisa and Kevin are giving that to me for a birthday gift.

Which reminds me.
They gave me a funny birthday card.

The front just has a b/w photo of evergreens covered in snow.

the inside reads:
"so i called mavis to tell her i
got eight inches last night and,
of course, the bitch claimed she
got nine."

i love that my friends are just as nasty as i...

potty humor
sexual humor
it's all good.

which reminds me of Sunday
when Maddie and Paige kept
talking about "potty words".

they're adorable.
and well behaved.

they wouldn't SAY any potty words.
but they got just as much enjoyment
if not more,
from saying the phrase "potty words".
and giggling.
and giggling.
and making me giggle.

{happy sigh}

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is...
my birthday!
38.
i can't believe it! I love it!

This is the first year since I've been old enough to know what my birthday was that I don't feel crazy excited. I usually drive everyone crazy with talk of my birthday month... Always have felt that the entire month of August is a special one, because IT'S MINE!!! But this year I haven't focused much on it. And I haven't even thought much about the actual day... I don't have the usual excitement going on inside of me. =(

how sad...

Well, today has been better. I'm still not happy to be here, but I'm accepting of the fact that I'm here, and I just remind myself that this is not something I can't change. And God, it is beautiful country.

Today I drove when Lisa and I went out for lunch. We went to a small Mexican joint, Taqueria. I was hopeful - in Chicago places that look like this and have such names are very authentic. But I'm learning that in SC, just because a restaurant looks or sounds authentic, doesn't mean it is! In fact, it's a rarity! But this was a goldmine... Yum. And, the kicker was that I got us back home without even having to ask for directions. Well, I did make sure I was going out the right exit in the parking lot, but after that I was on my own and I did it!

I've been reading a lot of blogs in the past couple of days. It's nice to get inspiration from others. And there are so many inspiring people out there!!! It's helping me a lot to get through this tough time.

This is quite a learning experience, for sure. It's teaching me more about what's important in life. I've been on that learning journey for over a year now. But now I'm getting more into specifics. It's good. It's painful, but good.

A new day

Yes, doll, it is a lovely thing to have a blog - a place to write all of my thoughts - a place where a select group of people are invited (except for anyone who may just discover it but won't know what everything means!) inside of my mind and my heart.

Today was nice. The weather was absolutely perfect. It was mid-80's with practically no humidity. Kevin and Lisa took me to Kevin's sister's house. She (also Lisa) and her husband, Craig (a geriatric internal med doc) have two little girls and live in a huge and fabulous home on a huge lake. They have a pontoon boat docked right in their backyard. Unreal. They're so sweet. Craig talked a lot about his job and let me ask a zillion questions. They cooked us a great meal (chili-lime marinated flank steak, red potatoes, broccoli, and tomato-mozzarella salad) and then took us for a ride in the boat. It was amazing. Their daughters, Maddie (5) and Paige (3) were phenomenal. Quite energetic, but I loved them a lot. They gave me hugs and were very sweet to me. We played hide and seek, duck/duck/goose, and a memory game with a Disney theme. I read Paige a couple of books after dinner. Then we watched a dvd recording of their final recital from "Fantasy Princess Dance Camp" that they attended all last week. =) So sweet.

Kevin's mom was also there. What a sweet lady. She lived in Westmont, IL (southwest suburbs of Chicago) for 40 years and fairly recently moved with her husband to North Carolina (about 3.5 hours from where Kevin & Lisa and Lisa & Craig are living in South Carolina). She talked about how painful it was to move, but that she didn't have any options because her family was here and this was the way it was going to be.

The experience was a good one. South Carolina is a very beautiful place. It made me feel a little bit of happiness here. But it also reinforced the fact that I don't want to miss out on my family - being around while Evan is growing up, spending a little more time with my paternal grandparents before they pass on, and other aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not to mention my own parents and my brother. Family really is a precious thing. This is nothing I've ever felt, believed, or spoken before.

On the ride back to Kevin & Lisa's this evening, I received a text message from PR. Amazing, isn't it, how someone could make you feel so wonderful such a short time back, and now they do nothing but make you irritated and nauseous? =) I got this text message asking me if I was feeling any better today. I wrote back that I was feeling more numb to the situation, but that I still miss my family. His response - "how much longer are you going to allow this to go on?" EXCUSE ME? You know what? Piss off. Just piss off... What exactly are you saying here? It sounds condescending and disrespectful. I don't need that, especially from YOU. Are you seriously asking ME how long I'm going to let a situation that only affects ME to go on? You, the person who was involved in a situation that affected a LOT of people who couldn't make a choice until it was too late and everyone got hurt? I really don't need any lip from you. If you want to be supportive, we'll chat. But you have lost any and every right to chastise me for anything. Seriously.

Anyway, I didn't respond to that. So about 30 minutes later I get another message asking me if I'm considering moving to Effingham. Guess what. I don't feel like sharing that information with you. You are not someone who needs to be involved in my thoughts or my decisions.

Blah! Anyway, enough about that.

So what are my thoughts now? I'm just going to take things easy here. I started going through my things again. I know this is nuts, since I've gone through my things at least twice already and gotten rid of the majority of my possessions, but I started going through my bathroom things again today and have gotten rid of more stuff. Seriously, how many products does one person need? Those 15 lipsticks? I don't even wear lipstick! Lotions and perfume samples? Won't ever use them. Tossed them all. I figure that if I stay, this will give me more space. If I go, it will be less crowded in my truck this time around! =)

So... I'm taking things a day at a time, and just going through all of my options again.

1 - stay here, live with Kevin and Lisa for a while, get a job, save money, and start school either Spring 2007 or Fall 2007.

2 - go back to Chicago, live with Kelly, work somewhere and try to save money, and start school Spring 2007 at Elgin CC.

3 - move to Effingham, live with my parents, and work and save money until I can get my own place. Start school Spring 2007 at Lake Land College. Help with Evan. Help with my Grandparents.

I need to make a chart of pros and cons for all 3. It will require some research on the schools. I need to make some calls and find out what the average number of students trying to get into their nursing programs has been for the past few years, and how many spaces they have available. That will be something HUGE to consider.

Yes, before I made the decision to move to SC, I made such a chart and I considered some things. But I didn't look into the college options as much as I should have. I also didn't consider my family in the decision. It makes me wonder if I needed to make this move, even if temporarily, to discover how important my family is to me. No, this isn't just something that I'm feeling because of what I'm going through right now. The last couple of visits I had with my family, when people (including my dad) would mention that I should stay around, I blocked them out. I felt I had made my choice, and I was going to follow through with it. Period. I'm kinda stubborn like that.... =)

So, I'm going to call my dad in a bit. Then I'm going to chill and watch tv. Tomorrow morning I'll start making my chart. Then we'll just go from there.

No matter what, things are going to be ok. I do feel that now. Don't get me wrong. I'm still crazy stressed. I have had diahrrea for the past 4 days. I have no appetite. I eat, but it's not as much of a pleasure for me as usual. I know that if I'm not careful I will fall back into that place of major depression, and I don't want to be there. Especially not while I'm out here. I've been in a very dark place in the recent past (just over a year ago). It lasted 5 months before I was able to really get off of the couch, even. I don't need to suffer through that again. And I don't want to. I refuse to do that. If I start to feel like that's coming back into my life, I will be back on the road in a flash. I would have to. I just can't go through that again.

I know that no matter what happens, I'm getting to some important realizations in my life. Realizations about family, faith (God), and myself. This is a struggle, but it will be for good in the long run.

Don't Avoid...

Isn't it crazy how sometimes things just come at you? Right now I'm going through such a tough time. It seems weird that this is the toughest time I remember, when it seems like the other things I've gone through in the past year or so should feel more painful than this. I mean, here I am, experiencing something that most people are too afraid to do. I drove across the country with all of my life packed into my truck. I got rid of so many things that formerly felt SO important to me. I "landed" in a beautiful, scenic area, and unloaded all of my things into a gorgeous room in an Architectural-Digest caliber home. I have the opportunity to live in a beautiful, warm climate, in the amazing home, with a great friend, for FREE. Yet here I am, questionning my being here. Why did I feel I had to go so far away to achieve my goals?

I've been re-reviewing my options. I could stay here and make things work. Or, I can go back to Chicago, move back into Kelly's (love her!), and work my tail off to save up some money and then try to go to Elgin Community College for Nursing. Finally, I could move back to Effingham, live with my parents for a while and work to save money, then go to Lake Land College for Nursing.

Why did I choose South Carolina when I initially made the choice? I needed to remove myself from the Chicago area. Could I go back? Yes, I could. Should I? That I don't know. Is it fair for me to depend on Kelly for a place to live? I don't think I should do that. I miss my friends there, but who is to say I can't visit? Or that I eventually won't go back once I have my degree? The cost of living in Chicago is so much more than elsewhere. So it's not the most practical choice, to say the least.

Effingham. Originally I didn't even consider it because I felt I wouldn't be able to handle living at home again. But the past few visits I've had there (all in the past 2 months) have been great. Religion hasn't been pushed on me like I felt it was in the past. I went to Sunday School a couple of times, but it was never pushed on me. And I only went to one evening service to see a special speaker. After that, it was never even asked of me. Which I greatly appreciate. What are the negatives of going to Effingham?

*tight quarters (my brother and nephew are living there with my parents now, too)
*

hmmm... I was unable to think of another negative.

*oh, work options aren't overly abundant.

Positives?
*time with family
*lower cost of living
*familiarity
*old friends
*probably a better chance of succeeding in the nursing program (less competition)

For now, though, I am trying to wait a bit longer. I do need to give it a little more time, I know. But I also know that if I don't think I want to stay I should make the decision within the next month or so. I believe I have 60 days to register my car and all here. I don't want to pay for all of that and then end up moving back to IL and paying to reinstate myself there. That would be silly.

I was terribly worried about how Lisa and Kevin would feel if I decided not to stay. I wanted to talk to her so badly about things, but I was planning to wait until sometime next week while Kevin was at work. However, today when we were on our way to a shopping spree, it just burst out of me! I told her, and I cried, that I didn't know if I could stay. That I didn't want her to worry about my room still being full of boxes cuz I am not ready to unpack yet because I may move back to IL. Lisa told me that she cried and cried when she moved here. However, she knew she did NOT want to move back to IL. She just wanted to have her friends and her familiar places here with her. Our experiences are different in that way. She's got the comfort of being here with Kevin. He is her main family now, you know? Even though I have Lisa here, it's not quite the same as true family, or true love. I still feel alone.

So, per the suggestion of my mom, I'm going to think of this as a vacation for now. If I leave, I spent a nice time of vacation in South Carolina! I know I sound more upbeat right now than I really am... And I know that when I get up tomorrow morning it's all going to hit me again and I'll be in tears. I'll call my dad when I know he's home from church and I'll cry to him about being unhappy and uncertain of what to do.

Back to the first statement I made in this post - isn't it crazy how things come up to you sometimes? I finally got around to reading the past month's posts on Ali Edwards' blog today. Her post dated 8/3/06 is titled "Keep Experiencing and Don't Avoid". She talks about how we tend to just stick to the familiar and we stop experiencing life. She has an autistic son. People with autism are very uncomfortable when their routines are varied or disturbed. In one part she says:

"Sometimes it is easier to just avoid, go down the same path, not take the risk, just stay home. Especially with a special needs kid who responds differently to everyday situations. In all reality, it does no one any good to avoid."

She says earlier in her post "And you know what? It is hard."

Wow. Boy is it? Stepping outside of your "norm" is beyond difficult. It's painful. So my question to myself - does this mean it is the right thing for me? Because it hurts? No. Sometimes, but not always. I'm going to spend the next week thinking very deeply and figuring out if being here is right for me, even for just a short time (3 months or more), or if it was just something I needed to try out, and maybe something else is the right thing for me instead? I've got a lot of thinking to do. Lots of soul searching. I know that when I decided to come here, I did a lot of thinking. But I also know I didn't give all of my options a fair shot. And it's not like I made a bad choice, regardless. I have been the one who has been saying over and over, it's not like I can't come back. If I don't like it, if it's not for me, I can go somewhere else. The only thing that is permanent is death. So I need to listen to my own advice, huh? Cuz it's been killing me the past few days, the thought of looking like a failure to some people if I end up not staying in SC. I know some people will talk, but who freaking cares? Since when have I let other peoples' thoughts rule me? Not very often in the past 10 years, that's for sure.

I miss my family. They really are good people. I don't agree with them on everything, but is there anyone on earth I agree with completely? Not that I'm aware of! I miss my little Evan. I don't want to miss seeing him grow up over the next 2 or 3 years. I can't imagine it.

Is there any way I could make Effingham work out for me? Well, my parents are willing to let me live with them for a while (they'd probably let me stay there forever, but that would be insane!!!) and get on my feet. I could go through with my plans for filing bankruptcy to clear my debts and get back on track, apply for financial aid and start college courses in the spring, and work hard for the next several months to save up money and hopefully get my own place. I have a cousin (and her husband) who works at a bar & grill called Sneaky Pete's in Effingham. I have waitressing experience, and I'm guessing I could learn bartending from Erin and work at least a couple of days there and work another job as well. Then I think I could work the bartending/waitressing gig around my school schedule and make pretty good money, once I start school. Having my family around for support would be a huge plus. Erin has been making $600 a week in tips alone. That's more than I was making at Asha over 2 weeks' time... And the cost of living is so much cheaper. My mom knows of an apartment available. The owner just fixed it up and doesn't have it listed cuz she is VERY particular about who she'll rent to. So that would be an option for me, I think. The only downside to that one is that it's in walking distance from my parents' house. Again, lately that doesn't sound like as much of a downside as it would've a year ago... I am much better at letting people know what I need, so I think setting boundaries with my parents (mainly my mom!) wouldn't be as difficult as it used to be. =)

I reacquainted myself with some old friends from high school when I was home a few weeks' back. And I have several cousins in the nearby area. We all used to be very close and I know that could be achieved again. Anyway...

We'll see what happens. Tomorrow we're going to Kevin's sister's house for an early dinner. She lives on a HUGE lake about 30 - 45 minutes from Kevin and Lisa's. It will be nice to be there and they've got some hilarious little kids that I have heard so many stories about and can't wait to meet in person! This coming week I plan to do a lot of soul searching, and work on some of my scrapbooking projects. Next Saturday, Kevin, Lisa and I have been invited to go up in a twin-engine plane with a guy Kevin works with. He's a flight instructor and has also offered to let each of us fly the plane if we want. I haven't decided on that part yet. But I have agreed to take the flight! So that will be a new thing for me. Something that scares me, but I know it will be ok.

After that, there are a few other things Lisa is kinda planning. She wants to take a trip to Charleston, to do some sightseeing. Then one day up to wherever the Biltmore Estate is - North Carolina - can't remember the city. Lots of history to see here and I'm very into doing that. While we're in Charleston, I want to try to meet up with Laura Kocur, an old friend from Indianapolis. Then one weekend we'll take a trip up to Charlotte, NC to visit Lisa's dad and his wife, Anne. I love them. Anne is amazing. She's a nurse, and she's just the sweetest person. I got to know her when they lived in Naperville and Lisa moved in with them for about a year to save money. One night Lisa and I went for a run and it started in with the hardest downpour ever. We couldn't even open our eyes! We were laughing our butts off and running through this crazy rain. We finally made it back to her Dad and Anne's house and Anne was gone. She left a note saying in case we got back, she had taken her car out and was driving around to find us because of the rain. How sweet is that??? She came back a few minutes later and we all laughed so hard about how drenched we were. Then we ate pizza. Another night we ordered Chinese food - something amazing with eggplant in it, I remember!

I guess I'm taking a little trip down memory lane! =)

OK, I'm getting pretty sleepy... g'night y'all...

Lost...

Today I read a post on a dear friend's blog - "Just remember when you think all is lost. The future remains." She took this quote from a site called ThinkExist.com. It was very touching for me this morning... I have been feeling like all is lost. I arrived in South Carolina on Thursday night. Had a very good night of sleep, but when I woke up I just felt so lost. What have I done? What am I doing here? I miss my family. I miss friends, and I miss Mike. But mostly I miss my family. I spent some time with them over the past couple of months and it started to show me just how important family really is. Over the past 20 years I've kept my family at a distance. I've felt that my friends were my chosen family. But the past year has shown me so much. While it is true that a few special people truly are my chosen family, most people blow with the wind and aren't really there for you when you need them most. But family, in most cases, family will always be there for you. There truly is a bond in blood.

My first day in South Carolina was a tough one. Lisa drove me around the area a bit and showed me the main shopping areas, the post office, the DMV. I was exhausted by the time we got back home. I'd cried a few times earlier in the day, but only a little bit. When we got back, I went up to my room to take a nap and the tears really started to come. I called my dad. He told me that he understands how afraid I am. He said that there were so many things he wanted to do when he was younger that he just didn't even attempt because of how afraid he was. And then he told me that if I didn't start to feel better soon, I could come back home. That he would love to have me there; but that I might start to feel better in a few days. He told me to call any time to talk, and that if I want I can come back tomorrow. It's my decision. Then he said the key thing - "you don't need to feel embarrassed if you don't stay there." I started to laugh. Asked him how he knew I was thinking that.

I'm always so firm in my decisions, once I make them. It's like I come to a decision after so much thought, I feel like I have to stick with that decision. I've always been like this. Maybe this is something that is going to teach me that it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know.

I feel like this post is really scattered. This is how my mind is feeling to me right now - jumpy and uncertain. Exhausted.

What will I do? Will I stay? Will I move to Effingham and go through with my goals there? There is a perfectly good nursing program at the nearby community college. In fact, I may have a better success in the program there. I just learned that SC has a lottery where all high school students are entered and 60% of them will earn FREE in-state college tuition. So a lot more people actually go to college here. Nursing programs are always tough to get into - there is much more demand for nurses than there is resources in the schools. So there will be a lot of students applying for the programs, but only room for say 24 each year. I guess the college lottery program here in SC makes that even more difficult... Hmmmm. But I'm trying not to focus on "negatives" right now. Just spending the next few days adapting to my surroundings and I'll go from there. My mom told me that I could just see this as a vacation if need be. I've never had such a stressful vacation, though! =)

More later...